The Office- Every Sunday was Halloween. And then…..

Posted on December 10, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Every family has unique rituals. Our`s is no different- except our rituals might be unusual  compared to others. A long-established ritual for the Clampitts is the weekend trip to Spouse`s office. Spouse catches up on work while the Offspring catch up on homework, or Facebook.

The well established custom begins with the Offspring lining up at the starting gate- the door between the garage and the entry. Once the door opens, they`re off. Racing down the vacant hallways fueled by desire for the candy placed at the secretaries` cubicles. Snorting and pounding their way through 4 floors of free candy, careening around corners and bouncing off each other toward the prize, they eventually return sweaty, exhausted and sugared up.

Lest you think the Offspring are heathens living by their own rules, they were each  allowed only one candy per cubicle.

Every Sunday was Halloween at the office.

And then we moved to Japan.

In our parental quest to maintain some routine in our new home, the start of the school year was ushered in with the inaugural trip to Spouse`s office.

Excited to sample the Japanese confections, the Offspring hit the hallways stampeding. Imagine their dismay-disbelief- to find one lone basket filled with a meager sampling. A pittance versus the usual cornucopia.

Nary a chocolate in sight.

I, undeterred, dove in with gusto. I emerged with a fist full of crackers. Not being picky, I didn`t pay close attention, or any, to the wrapper. I opened it, took a bite, and everyone started howling.

“Mom- you STINK!”  These Offspring have not yet mastered saying nothing if there`s nothing nice to say. In case I didn`t realize the full impact on their delicate senses, a very thorough dramatic scene ensued whereby their feelings were expressed through choking, gagging, and rolling around on the ground.

The smell did illicit fond memories of a bait box left in the Galveston sun all afternoon and my Dad yelling at the wrong culprit. (Always funny) I flipped over the offending cracker to inspect more closely.

Note to self- if there`s a shrimp on the label, not only is it shrimp flavored, it probably contains shrimp. One is even displayed demonstrating it`s authentic flavoring.

Spouse picked nuts. He poured the bag in his hand.

There were a few nuts in the packet.

Spouse looked around the table and dumped the contents in his mouth. We all watched confounded as Spouse ate fish bait. He poured another fist full and started on his email.

It`s now obvious to me why the Japanese are so much leaner than their Western counterparts. Instead of a heaping helping of Doritos with cheese queso, the snack choices are of the dried variety instead of the fried variety.

Posted in Food, Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Wedding Stalkers Anonymous Welcomes Two New Members

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Hi, my name is Ouisar-san and I`m a wedding stalker.

I have a fetish for Japanese Shinto weddings. The urge to ambush elated couples during their nuptial celebration stems from experiences as a child. I don`t recall which ones exactly. To clarify, I`m not interested in the Western Style wedding characterized by the white ball gown and tux in which many Japanese also participate on the path toward marriage. No, the blissful couple need only to worry about my presence at their second ceremony- the Shinto rites.

For nosy individuals such as myself, the opportunity to poke my protuberance into the private lives of strangers is too tempting to leave alone.

After a year in Japan, I optimize my chances of stalking success by timing the visits to Meiji Shrine at 11:00 on weekends. I hide in front of the ceremony building in order to capture action shots of the procession.

A Summer Wedding- The Bride is wearing a colored Kimono.

The female miko- shaman or priestess-lead the way while an elated new mother in law assists the bride.


Once the priests join the procession, I`m teetering from the tree limbs to watch unencumbered by the other picture snapping tourists.

Japan is the only place outside of the US Pacific Northwest where it is acceptable to wear socks with sandals. Although I`m not apt to wear the traditional zori, (Traditional sandals always worn with socks) the Priests` clogs are tempting for achieving that long-legged look.
Not all days are created equal if one wants to follow the Japanese tradition. The days marked “Taian” on the calendar are lucky and auspicious for weddings while the “Shakku” days are bad luck- all day. Other days are marked as bad luck in the morning but not the afternoon, good luck part of the day, etc. During a Taian day at Meiji Shrine, the constant number of wedding processions appear to be marching off an assembly line.

After chasing the procession into the shrine, I get a little something to eat in preparation for the next phase.

The family photos.

There`s so much fodder on which to elaborate it`s hard to focus my thoughts- the black formal kimonos, pictures of deceased parents, the solemn faces.
In a mixed marriage, one would assume the non-Asian portion would be lamenting the loss of a relative to the distant country of Japan while the Japanese contingent would be celebrating an institution in serious decline and causing the population to drop. However, as is the habit, the Western half grins as if on a Broadway audition while the Japanese side peers out stoically.

Although I`ve not yet secured an actual invitation to a Shinto wedding, I have managed to participate in unexpected ways. On a recent trip to a small shrine known for its lanterns, the Social Chairman (she knows everyone from Tennessee to Tokyo) and I stumbled across a mark, I mean couple, sitting for a wedding portrait.

The photographer seemed nonplussed by our attentions so we pushed it by moving in closer.

Eventually the photographer had enough. In order to relieve himself of our uninvited attention, he motioned us to join in. The groom was thrilled to extend the photo session.

We didn`t stay long as he was poised to start beating us with the fan clenched in his hand.

Once shooed away, we continued our investigation of the wedding trappings to discover the umbrella. Even the small aspects of the ceremony are interesting much to the dismay of the Japanese watching us take pictures of the umbrella`s underside.

Perhaps Spouse and I should renew our vows at the 20 year mark with a Shinto celebration. I fear his expression will mimic that of the groom with whom we are pictured…

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

The Nose Visits Japan- A Guest`s Reaction

Posted on November 27, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Many of you are familiar with my younger sister, the Nose, so nicknamed for her savant type recall of maps, ability to identify geographical landmarks, and unsurpassed skill at navigating around a place with which she has no familiarity. In an unusual turn of sisterly responsibilities, she was able to visit Japan without being encumbered by another sister or two desperately clutching the back of her shirt.

Here are her impressions:

1. What were your favorite aspects of Japan?

Hmm. Well, Ouiser-san was there with a ready-made itinerary, slightly better than marginal command of the Japanese language, spoken apparently with an unintelligible accent (thank God for the offspring), and a purse full of yen when I ran out of cash and couldn`t find an ATM willing to take my card.

I loved Kyoto, Buddhist temples and the crazy monks that run them, tempura, ramen, tiny smiling ancient Japanese men, the cab drivers all wearing suits and white gloves, gaggles of schoolchildren waving and saying “hall- oh!!!! Hall-oh!!” because we were the only Westerners they`d seen, green tea, pottery, the toilets (yes, but not the squat kinds- the ones with the fancy bidet, lights, auto lid lift etc)…

The capabilities of the Japanese Toto toilet are endless...

Japanese design aesthetic.

The Very, Very, Sweet Japanese People.

I’m having a tough time narrowing it down.

2. What was hardest in Japan?

Eating eyeballs and boiled tofu at every meal (almost). Complete inability to order my own latte at Starbucks, the heat and humidity (and the resultant feeling of being the fat, sweaty American tourist). Inability to exchange money or use my ATM card.

3.When did you feel most out-of-place?

Well, look at me. I have red hair, blue eyes, and a large bust. No wonder all the cooks left the kitchen to get a better look at me. Of course, the places Ouiser-san took me may have never seen a non-Asian person before. Or. They may have seen my pallor combined with the sweat stains on my clothes and thought they should call an ambulance.


I also felt out-of-place (frustrated really) feeling helpless, unable to figure out the Tokyo subway system (I am the Nose after all), unable to remember the simplest and most used phrases (please and thank you anyone?) I just hope a sincere smile and hopeless look express the feelings I was unable to express with a diatribe of kanji.

4. When did you feel most at home?

I felt most at home when we were laughing together (oh shit, now I’m crying), drinking coffee, hanging out with my sweet smart niece and nephew, and digging through your closet.

I also felt strangely at home at the Buddhist temples in Kyoto.

Does one bang one`s own head, the head of the rabbit, or the heads of passersby?

5. What were your favorite foods?

The inner noodle ramen shop (Ouisar-san- that is Koh Men ramen in Omotesando across from TGIF`s), sashimi, Sapporo, tempura, cold soba noodles, magic cabbage (how do they make it taste so good??), (Ouisar-san-That would be the monja in the last post) Japanese pickles especially the pink ones alone or with rice, manga (Ouisar-san Umm- manga are cartoon characters, but monja is what we ate )cooked by Andretti-San.

Tantanmen Ramen- Koh Men

6.What is Ouisar-san`s most annoying habit?

Hmmm this will require a few subdivisions as she has many.
A. Her history and cultural lessons delivered while The Nose is trying to pray at a 1500 year old Buddhist Temple. And her assumption that I was not praying at the next 100 or so temples because, well, I already prayed that day, so new lessons came with every temple. Thankfully I learned to let her get all her talking done outside before going in.

I`m really praying...

B. Dragging The Nose on not one but two 4 mile runs through Yoyogi park AND actually expecting conversation at a sub- 10 minute mile pace and 85% humidity.
C. Realizing while raiding Ouiser`s closet that during the past year she has lost two inches off her waist and they were magically deposited on mine— greatly limiting my outfit choices ( Tunics and leggings anyone?? )

7) What advice would you give someone visiting Japan?
A. Stop at the currency exchange booth at the airport and get as much money exchanged as you can afford.
B. When taking random cabs have the address of your destination written in Japanese. Don’t assume that the name of the site said in Japanese (or English) will suffice.
C. At least taste every food placed in front of you. You may think it looks unappetizing or has ingredients that you don’t like but 9 times out of 10 you will be pleasantly surprised. Next to being polite and speaking the language, the best way you can truly show interest and appreciation of another culture is to show an interest in their food. If you don’t like it, smile and keep your mouth shut because someone around you will understand enough English to know you just insulted the cook at their favorite neighborhood noodle shop and that reflects badly not just on you but your host, and your country.
D. If you can’t use chopsticks you better learn before you leave or bring a fork.
E. Carry toilet paper and a handkerchief (see dabbers) with you at all times.

Finally I would like to thank Ouiser-san for taking me on what was truly a trip of a lifetime and thank my sweet hardworking husband for not only paying for it but taking care of three homesick for Mama kids while I was away for 10 days.

Temple of the Golden Pavillion, Kinkaku-Ji, Kyoto, Japan, We still like to dress alike.

 

Much love. The Nose

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Only in Japan

Posted on November 17, 2011 by Emily Cannell

No matter what the country of origin, religious preference or family upbringing, there are certain irrefutable facts about boys.

1) They always take unnecessary risks,

2) stay dirty until the age of 18

3) prefer eating with fingers and using the couch as a napkin

4) will break the heirlooms but not the kitsch when sword fighting through the living room

5) tend to accidentally kill small reptiles and amphibians who mistakenly cross their path- See “Kermit Gets the Cold Shoulder” from “Some Species Eat Their Young” here.

6) will jump in or over every puddle, stream or spilled beverage- with predictable results

7) and lose anything of value

Which is what happened to Offspring #1`s wallet. Since it wasn`t velcroed, taped or stapled to his person, it “disappeared” on the Tokyo Subway. During rush hour. With 25 million other commuters on their way home. With $100 his wallet- which explained where his lunch money has gone.

AACCCHHHH!!!!

St. Anthony and I had our daily chat during which I asked for his celestial assistance in locating yet another lost item.

Being a responsible kid, he searched his pockets, swiveled his head up and down the train platform, and declared his search complete. Only now he had no money for train fare. He was forced to call in.

Ouisar-San to Offspring #1- ” Before I come get you, just check in lost and found at the main train station. Maybe an angel happened to find it and turn it in.” This said calmly as I kicked the window sill sending the crows flapping, the f word screaming through my mind.

Visions of the victory dance the lucky finder did upon discovery of the loaded wallet stomped through my head. Followed by images of  the dinner Offspring #1 had now purchased for this charmed finder. Or drinks. Or who knows what.

Next phone call.

“Mom- it was in the lost and found at the station. WITH ALL THE MONEY IN IT!”

St. Anthony and I high fived, knuckle bumped, and completed our routine with a chest bump.

Only in Japan, during rush hour, would someone find a wallet, and not only turn it in, but do so without emptying first. Perhaps it was karma returning from the time I found a purse lying in the street, with the wallet inside, with all the valuables so neatly arranged inside, turned it in to the local police man on the corner. I guess the culture has transformed me. I`ve become honest at the expense of my own financial gain.

I love it here.

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 38 Comments

Please- Don`t Make Me Eat That- Monjayaki

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Emily Cannell

As I slowly and deliberately eat my way through Japan, I`ve discovered two certainties regarding the food- first, Japanese food does not include chicken teriyaki, and second, sample even the most repulsive in appearance- it could rank as one of the best meals of your life. My latest favorite, monjayaki resides in the category labelled, “Looks nasty, tastes great,” as it closely resembles a myriad of substances one would only eat under the threat of torture or starvation.

Monjayaki Image via Wikipedia

Andretti-san, culture guide and sensei to the Clampitt clan, had been bragging, loudly and consistently,  about his culinary skills most effectively demonstrated in the creation of monjayaki. It was time to hold his feet to the fire, or hand to the griddle in this case. But how to highlight his culinary chops outside of his own kitchen?  An island in the middle of Tokyo, Tsukishima. Home to an entire street specializing in monjayaki with the creative name, “Monjayaki Street.”  Patrons were allowed to ruin the meal themselves by self cooking or assure a more savory product by engaging a server to conduct the official business.  The time had come for Andretti-san to roll up his sleeves.

Our restaurant choice was driven by creativity of the logo rather than reputation.

The ingredients were promptly delivered table side.

Several items caught my attention as the bowl was placed between us. First, the dried shrimp on the top, meat like substance Andretti-san identified as corned beef, bonito flakes (the olive oil of Japan) and the presence of a viscous, yellow soup at the bottom. Eating any one of these items would have been difficult but the thought of eating the mixture was appalling.

He started by stir frying the ingredients at the top. I lost hope of stomaching this meal as I watched the tiny shrimp melt on the grill.

Once the ingredients were cooked, he shaped them in a doughnut. Inside the hole, he poured the liquid. Apparently his doughnut hole was perfect since the soup did not leak out of its stir fried container.

Once the mass was gelatinous, Andretti-san stirred it all together. The color changed to dark yellow. He pronounced the putrid, yellow mash “Done.” Oh God. The time of reckoning. I`d seen more appetizing mud pies.

As if tasting it wasn`t enough of a challenge, there was also a particular method for devouring this goo. Not quite a liquid, not really a solid, a special tool called a “hagashi” is used to shovel this tasty delight in to one`s mouth. Right off the hot griddle. Too soupy for chopsticks, but very gluey, it stuck to the hagashi. Therefore, it was eaten like so:

Sakuratie Restaurant

Monja aficionados claim a special technique for proper eating- placed in one`s mouth with the food facing the tongue, versus the roof of the mouth, in order to deliver a more powerful piquant punch.

In some way, which I`m certain defies the natural order of the universe, this concoction was delicious earning a coveted top place spot on Ouisar-san`s “Must Learn to Make Before Leaving Japan” list. Tiny dried shrimp and all.

Andretti-san validated his claim as Master of the Monjayaki and the Nose claimed this to be the only form of cabbage she would eat.

High praise indeed.

Check out other “Best Of Japan” at Japingu`s J festa….here

Posted in Food, Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 61 Comments

Miss Hathoway- Please Circulate this Announcement

Posted on November 5, 2011 by Emily Cannell

The Clampitts regret to inform all family and friends about the passing of our beloved family member- the Hurricane, so named for her ability to wreak havoc and infuse destruction in to all situations.

A backyard service was held where various family members, close friends, and colleagues gathered to celebrate her life. Of crime. Following are the highlights:

Grandmama: “Remember the time the Hurricane ate the chicken off the stove then pranced through the living room with a baguette sticking out each side of her mouth? I never did get used to putting dinner in the microwave or the cabinets to keep it from becoming dog food.”

UPS Driver: “It was a nice break in my day to just sit in my truck and honk at the curb when I made deliveries to the Clampitt house. Running packages to and from the door is so much more tiring.”

Pool Man: I`ll never forget having to call Mrs. Clampitt, “Ouisar-san, this is the pool man. I`m in my truck in your driveway and your dog is attacking the tires. Can you please come and get her?”

Yard Man: “Who knew a lawnmower could be used for self-defense?”

Neighbor: “I`ll always be thankful to the Hurricane for smelling the fire about to burn my house down when we were out-of-town. If she hadn`t gone wild barking and running in circles the Clampitts would never have been alerted to the fire in time to call 911.”

Niece: “She was the best at playing hide and seek. She always found us.”

Partner- the Chopper– “Finally I get the back to myself.”

BFF The Swiss Lady: “She never was able to teach me quite how to open the drip pan drawer on the turkey fryer.”

The Nemesis: The mini Schnauzer down the street: “Now I`m the best looking Schnauzer in the neighborhood.”

I`ll certainly miss her talent for appearing regal in a plus-sized sweater:

her constant companionship between the stove and sink while I made a meal:

and the dexterity to use her mustache as opposable thumbs when opening doors and gates:

We miss you.

The Hurricane

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , | 35 Comments

Harassing the Nose….

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Emily Cannell

My younger sister, the Nose, is coming in town.

Never let it be said that I passed an opportunity to harass a younger sister when the situation presented itself. One is never too old, or too mature, to practice this ritualistic behavior practiced throughout the generations. Of course, the benefit of sightseeing with a local is the opportunity to experience the hidden gems within a location.

I have a special few picked just for her….

The Nose has always enjoyed a good game of dress up, especially when role play is involved. Sometimes even an old pro needs a spark to reignite the imagination. For this, I have put together a tour of the Maid Cafes in Akihabara. Women, and some men, dress up in various iterations of the serving wench. And sometimes bunnies. (I haven`t discovered the link between these yet) The maids can be naughty or nice depending on their fancy for or against you. I have arranged for the Nose to drink a specially concocted foul cocktail guaranteed to bring on the heaves followed by a well delivered slap in the face by her maid of choice. I hope she finds revelation in the variety of costumes and personas on display. My little gift….

Cos-Cha Maid Cafe

The Nose loves a good meal, and what better place to appreciate Japanese food than at the Nissin Ramen Museum? My personal suggested starting point is the “Ramen in Space” exhibit. Tang Instant Orange Drink and Ramen- um um good.

Momofuko Ando Instant Ramen Museum

Followed by a dramatic presentation of the weekend box office blockbuster “Ramen” in the ramen cup. I mean theater. I`m hoping to be shaken and stirred.

Armed with perfected knowledge in the art of preparing the instant ramen noodle, she will be able to share her new-found knowledge with friends and family at picnics, backyard barbeques and Tupperware parties every where.

Immediately following the Ramen Exhibit is The Meguro Parasitological Museum. Home to a 30 foot tapeworm removed from a local man`s stomach as well as an exhibit of one`s brain on parasites:

I can only hope the Nose`s personal experiences removing stringy and shedding parasites from the nether regions of her own children and animals does not diminish this experience.

I briefly entertained the idea of the Tokyo Ice Bar but given every city with a space needle has one it seemed too contrived.

Ice Bar Tokyo

Actually, the Nose is quite selective when choosing a drinking establishment requiring it contain a certain ambiance, even decor- suited to her unique set of interests. I`ve found just the place. The Alcatraz bar. It`s not just a prison. It`s also a hospital. For the true adventure seeker in bar hopping. Which activity do you think she would enjoy more- a prison break or kidnapping?

Alcatraz Shibuya

If the Nose gives me any lip, I`ll leave her at the Hello Kitty Theme park for the day.

When traveling it`s nice to get a home cooked meals. I`ve perfected a new dish which will certainly tickle her palate. Post Larvae on rice.

I CAN`T wait until she gets here…..

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Backstage in Borneo- Adventures with Bear Grylls

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Not wanting to appear a name dropper, I purposely avoided using Bear Grylls` name (Man vs Wild- the Discovery Channel) while recounting the adventures of Borneo. Certainly Bear would show Offspring #2 and me in several shots from “Man vs Wild- Borneo,” as we, along with his camera crew, took an active role in the filming of this installment of the series.What we found out about this super He-man is his knack for making the easy hard.

Mt. Kinabalu

For example, he opened the show executing a treacherous descent via helicopter drop while we took the more leisurely approach.

This was the beginning of our education regarding the true behind the scenes action. Honestly, how “Wild” is it in the Sepilok Orangutan Rehabilitation Centre? Bear was only interested in escape but the rest of us wanted to see the orangutans – whom will probably be extinct in the next 15-20 years. In order to get a view of the “Man of the Forest”- the orangutans, not Bear- the primates were lured in with bananas.

OS#2 and I were mesmerized as the apes and a hand-full of monkeys came in exactly at 11:30 for lunch. We learned these orangutans are fed bananas every day at 11:30. Eventually, they tire of this unvaried diet and forage in the jungle for wild food. This turn in behavior facilitates an eventual return to the wild. Once Bear was informed he couldn`t eat the bananas or the orangutans, he lost interest.

Like so many boys before him, he`d rather sleep outside even when plenty of Eco Friendly lodges would have provided an equally uncomfortable experience. As night rolled in, Bear mimicked the orangutans by building a nest in the forest canopy. I don`t recall if he explained the nightly ritual of the orangutans building new nests in varying locations in order to protect themselves from predation, but, he did light some grass in a home-made tiki torch to protect himself from his greatest fear – mosquitoes.

The next day we all tramped through the rain forest- Bear, OS#2 ,me, the camera crew and all the support staff, in search of something repulsive for Bear to eat. No surprise, he picked one of his usual suspects- a non-venomous snake which he claimed bit him, didn`t taste like chicken, and was boney. Blah, blah, blah….We were on to his pattern of doing everything the hard way.

While Bear fought with the still moving tail on the snake as it roasted on the spit, the crew, OS#2 and I ate what Bear wouldn`t. Fruit.

Cat Eye Fruit. It should be called Dead Cat Eye fruit because it resembles something on a zombie cat.

Snake Skin Fruit. This clumping of snake-skin will elicit the famed “pee in the pants response” when seen in the wild.

Unknown, non-poisonous fruit which looks like a green apple and tastes like a sweet bell pepper:

And, of course, the world`s  jungle go-to favorite:

Bear really is a picky eater.

On the other hand, as a tv viewer, watching Bear vomit something he`d eaten would be true entertainment. If it doesn`t come back up, how bad can it be? If Bear wanted to prove his machismo, eating the Dorian fruit would cement his image. One whiff from that fruit of nasty could stop a charging elephant. So putridly pungent ( I know, I just created that word) are these malodorous yet edible plants, they`re outlawed inside hotels lest the guests run from the hotel screaming. And worse.

How it was tried as a food source in the first place remains one of the world`s great unsolved mysteries. It resembles something from a critically ill person`s bed ban.

My only advice to offer Bear in the future is to mind the signage. You`re never too old or experienced to learn from the natives.

“Bear- love- watch that Dorian tree- don`t get too close. It can hurt you,” I mothered as one of the football sized fruits fell from the tree knocking him out cold and poking 100 holes in his head. I`m sorry the viewing public missed that- a very dramatic moment.

Being in a rain forest, one should expect rain. While he waxed on to the television audience of the discomforts from the rain dragging the camera crew along the ground behind him, OS#2 and I took advantage of the canopy walk above. It was much easier.

Lovers of “Man vs Wild” have learned that Bear usually searches out streams and rivers on which to navigate his way out of his challenging situations. While he paddled along on a raft made of bamboo, we followed behind in a boat for 12. We passed several villages along the way while Bear looked for a lone boater in order to stage a dramatic rescue.

We stopped to go potty when the urge hit while he paddled on madly.

He eventually found someone with which to stage his escape from the jungle.

Bear`s wild climb from the boat while clinging desperately to the yo-yo was also cut from the final footage. We went up the ladder.

Now- the answer to the question posed last time. What`s the difference between a monkey and an ape? Monkeys have tails.

Finally, Bear`s version of surviving in the Bornean jungle. YouTube Video HERE.

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 38 Comments

The Making of a Tree Hugger

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Thanks to a liberal education and a couple of teachers militant about saving the rain forest, Offspring #2 embraced the concept of the “Eco Friendly” vacation with arms, legs and soul. I feebly cooperated in a futile attempt at bonding with a teenager. According to the source for all useful information, Wikipedia, “Environmentally friendly (also eco–friendly, nature friendly, and green) are terms used to refer to goods and services, laws, guidelines and policies claimed to inflict minimal or no harm on the environment.” Somewhere during this vacation to Borneo, Offspring #2 fully metamorphosed in to an ozone saving, eco- friendly, tree hugging member of the green planet while I quaked at the danger such close contact with our rain forest friends presented. The threat of dying quite missing from the eco-friendly definition.

Our electric motored tour boat glided through the water minus the accompanying smell of gas allowing Offspring #2 and I, along with a dozen of our new best friends, to blend seamlessly in to the landscape. So unassuming were we in our scentless boat, animals got dangerously close, to the delight of many not aware of the myriad of disasters potentially accompanying close contact with wild animals.

The guide heard the shuffling of feet moving through the forest and we all strained our eyes to see what might emerge.

“Pygmy Elephant!,” someone shouted. The cameras started snapping. I looked in the same direction as the others hunting for this tiny specimen. Not until it lumbered in to the water for a bath did I see it. Unperturbed by the noisy exclamations of delight, primarily coming from OS#2, the elephant sprayed itself with water and disappeared under the water.

“It`s blowing bubbles under the water.” I said to no one in particular. Soon giant balls of poop popped to the surface and the elephant emerged apparently relieved. Now 10 feet from the boat, it went under again. I watched for tell-tale bubbles moving toward the boat indicating an elephant intent on capsizing our craft.

What if this diminutive pygmy elephant had decided the audience annoying thereby warranting a shower of poopy river water? Additionally there were the massive tusks rivaling that of that great behemoth the Wooly Mammoth. What if the OS2 and I were both gored and carried off impaled on those tusks? Her on one side, me on the other?

OS#2 leaned in for a close encounter with the bather. I snatched up a large chunk of her shirt just in case she fell in. Next time I`d prefer like a plate-glass window between us and the wildlife.

Eventually the elephant tired of the game or got clean and retreated to the forest leaving us to search for the next forest resident. Once again came the cry from our guide,” Poisonous Yellow Cat Snake in the tree!” All eyes strained for the snake while I tried not to burst in to tears. To my horror, OS#2 tried to stand for a closer look as the guide parked the boat directly underneath the sleeping reptile.

“MOM- GET OUT THE CAMERA!!” Did I bring a camera? The fear that had frozen me had overtaken all rational thought. The tour guide searched for a paper bag in which I could hyperventilate.

If the snake fell in to the boat I`d become the second person in history to allegedly walk on water.

If the snakes weren`t enough to keep one out of the trees, monitor lizards might have been a good second reason. All appeared to be sleeping- invisible- on the branch. Watching him taking leisurely yet assessing looks at the folks below brought on visions of his cousin, the Komodo Dragon, hunting us down.

Although not a fan of lizard types, OS#2 was elated at the numerous examples found dozing in the trees.

Someone in the back of the forest let out the Proboscis Monkeys for our entertainment. Even they came with a warning.

“DO NOT make direct eye contact with the monkeys. Ever.”

Now added to my bank of useless trivia was the news of monkeys wiggling their ears- prior to attacking. Innocent bystanders, or boaters as was the case.

The Proboscis Monkey- one dominant male lives the life of a sultan with a harem of females. On becoming the alpha male, his nose mysteriously grows to gargantuan proportions. The ladies like that.

Wikipedia

Offspring #2-  “Mom- why is that monkey`s bottom so red?”

Ouisar-san-  ” Diarrhea rash from too many spicy leaves?”

We weren`t the only ones noticing this anatomical feature of the female. Soon we all sat quietly watching monkey porn. Some in our group took pictures. Really? Is there no limit to poor taste?

And then we found one of the reasons rain forest animals stick to the trees.

If that picture didn`t discourage the boat crew from disembarking, the leeches did. Once out of the boat, all were required to wear rubber boots with a covering of plastic socks  outside the boots to protect our precious blood supply.  7 blood sucking types call Borneo home. Luckily I don`t have pictures.

I do have pictures of the largest flower in the world. Also the most deadly. Up to 3 feet in diameter, the Rafflesia, smells like rotting meat, blooms for 3 days a year, and eats whatever happens to come its way. Including rats. It holds a well deserved nickname- the “Corpse Flower.”

OS#2 was so disappointed that a mere fly corpse was inside.

OS#2 was now reeling off a list of the awesome (dangerous) things she had seen. I just wanted to go home.

AHH- the oasis of our Eco-friendly lodge….

After a day of gawking lovingly at animals that could kill or maim us, I was as ready for a shower as everyone else was for me to take one. Gas lamps lit the outside corridors to each room, cisterns of rain water sat outside waiting to flush the toilets. No bottled water. To this I decided saving the planet is an admirable goal, but not at the expense of air conditioning and a hair dryer. I prefer the fully loaded hotels.

At dinner, the general manager shared his new find. He had caught a baby reticulated python on the main walkway in to the dining area. The python`s brother was found dead after someone “accidentally” stepped on his head.

OS#2 was practically jumping up and down as the snake was pulled out of a canvas bag.

“His skin is so shiny and the design intricate- wouldn`t he make a great handbag?” This brought a ubrupt end to my conversation with the tree huggers. They don`t find humor in jokes about animal pelts, the ozone layer, or eating dolphins. OS#2 was the only one willing to talk to me for the remainder of the visit.

The baby snake had the last laugh as sleep eluded me that night while I envisioned super-sized mommy escaping her hiding place under the deck to come up through the toilet and bite my big butt during a middle of the night trip to the bathroom.

Thank God the next day would be a tamer day searching for orangutans.

In the meantime, how can you tell the difference between a monkey and an ape?

Posted in Moving to Japan, Offspring | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Even the Plants in the Rain Forest of Borneo will Eat You….

Posted on October 2, 2011 by Emily Cannell

Several years ago, Offspring #1 experienced a “Save the Rain Forest” unit in school which lasted several weeks and culminated in an epic- and by that I mean long and painful- Broadway show highlighting the students` learnings. He was as thrilled to be cast as the Bornean Pitcher Plant as I was incapacitated at the prospect of making the costume. Who knew that I would come face to face with this carnivorous, man-eating plant the likes of which horror movies, cartoons, and eco- friendly vacation nightmares are inspired.

At first glance, this bulbous plant with the rain catching jug appears to be an unusual, and exquisite, example of rain forest flora. However, the alluring bloom belies the evil and distasteful intentions within. This rain forest temptress will eat any living creature, man or beast, succumbing to its charms. The nectar lined jug acting as a reservoir for rain water, the upper lip lined with mesmerizing hues of red- to insects anyway- comprising nature`s perfect trap. A perfectly designed death bowl for insects and small mammals.

The fragrant nectar`s smell wafted through sweltering, stagnant air filling one`s thoughts with a tall, ice tea sweetened with its juices. Was Offspring #2 capable of resisting the temptation to caress the pitcher or plant her nose firmly inside to satisfy her teenaged thrill seeking impulses regardless of the consequences? The plant would then have her firmly in its treacherous grasp. I thought it pertinent to protect her from this plant with an insatiable desire for living flesh and strongly forbade her from coming within a 5 foot diameter of the diabolical beauty- no matter how small.

"I`m in the middle."

The rain forest of Borneo is home to 30 out of 80 of the ferocious species classified as Pitcher Plant. Genus Nepenthes. All heartless killers. Once inside the jug, unfortunate occupants find themselves stuck and consequently digested by the enzymatic juices contained within.

Our tour guide warned of the fate held for those who ventured too close. If we`d known this was the last time to enjoy our Australian friend`s company, we certainly would have sent him off with a proper good-bye or at least we`d have been nicer.

Some animals in the rain forest have negotiated peace by capitalizing on a weakness the plant shows for its favorite dinner time treat. Excrement. Some just love a dish of warm, fragrant poop. To the delight of the pitcher plant, tree shrews lick the nectar from the wall of the plant then defecate inside thus providing a well needed fertilizer boost of nitrogen.

Tiny bats roost in the jug during the day, a tiny lip preventing them from falling in to the digestive juices below, and poop while sleeping. Most certainly a win-win for plant and bat.

National Geographic

This leads one to conclude that devouring insects is preferable to the alternate life choices some species of Pitcher Plant have chosen.

Football sized specimens make excellent fountains for larger mammals in need of a fresh rain water fix such as monkeys.

Some are just so damn cute one can`t imagine it conducting the aforementioned atrocities.


How could we have known that deep inside the rain forest dwelled an even more formidable flower so large it truly did gorge on rodents and belch fumes so noxious it earned the nickname “the corpse flower”.

But that`s all we have time for today. And I hope it won`t be another 3 weeks before I close this chapter on the dangers lurking within the rain forest of Borneo…..

Posted in Moving to Japan | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments