(Hell) Raising Teenagers in Asia

Posted on July 25, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Warning- Graphic Images, not to be read while eating. Don`t say I didn`t warn you.

One day last spring I was walking with several thousand of my closest Japanese neighbors through Yoyogi park in central Tokyo. Just enjoying the day while the Japanese twentysomethings played chase, hopscotch and jump rope while I took clandestine pictures with my hat cam. My contemplation of how I would fare in a game of chase at any age beyond 7 was interrupted when a police car screeched to a stop in front of me and emptied four policeman on to the pavement- billy clubs pointed in my direction. Running toward me and my thousand or so friends, they grabbed a foreign guy a few feet from me (to my great relief- I was afraid an informant blew the whistle on my accidental bike stealing- read here) and commenced to deliver a butt kicking like I`ve only seen on the news. I don`t recall them asking for ID or confirming his name. No words were exchanged. None of the pedestrians  stopped to watch, no one took pictures, everyone just rerouted their path around the scene as if a delicate flower bed had just emerged from the ground.

We`re not in Kansas anymore.

I went home, pulled two teenagers out of bed without explanation, and assaulted them with an uninvited lecture. In Asia, there are no “3 strikes your out” laws- you`re just out. In some locations, literally.

Got Weed? Get Out.

That summarizes the Japanese stance on drug use. A minor caught with pot gets a mandatory 30 days in jail during which time the parents, or the appropriate embassy, may or may not get informed of Junior`s spend the night plans. Unless the Japanese penal system employs a family member with a fully loaded key ring, Junior`s not seeing anyone for a while including a lawyer. Assuming Junior got caught with a microscopic stash, once released he goes directly to the airport for deportation. Junior`s family will then find out of his fate when they receive a surprise trip to the airport for an immediate deporture – I mean departure.

While in Malaysia, the tour company was baffled at why I turned in to a screaming banshee when I discovered our luggage had been sitting unattended outside a hotel for several hours. It was due to the line on the customs declaration which read, “Drug Traffickers will be hanged.”

In Malaysia I couldn`t understand why everyone wanted to buy cigarettes from the street hawkers. My guess is those don`t have picture warnings regarding the risks of smoking:

Who wants to look at that while enjoying a smoke with your morning cup of coffee? Certainly leaves more of an impact than the fine print conveying a similar message.

When moving to Singapore, my friends skipped the teenager sales pitch going directly to the “Don`t carry anything for anyone at anytime- including a back pack.” People caught with illicit drugs are promptly caned.

Ouch.

Jail in Japan is rather dull. A daily head check while everyone sits in seiza position followed by a full day of solitary reflection. Folks who demand tv, internet service, or daily work outs in the facility gym are treated instead with an opportunity for more intensive reflection conducted in the seiza position while a guard ensures appropriate posture is maintained.

Seiza Position- Image Source Wikipedia

After 5 minutes in the seiza position, most mortals would prefer  jumping in a tank of circling sharks for relief from the pain. I`ve attended Japanese tea ceremonies where the participants sit in the seiza position for hours. Andretti-san had to carry me out with a feeble explanation that I suffered from something – oh not contagious and no not rabies-which caused me to froth at the mouth. It took my legs 3 days to return to normal. In my mind, this is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Japanese guards are able to maintain such control over their inmates. Before Offspring #1 goes to parties, Spouse and I make him sit in the seiza position for several minutes prior to leaving lest he decide the reward is worth the risk by succumbing to peer pressure.

The only Hell raising the Clampitt teenagers will be doing better be a result of drinking too many liquid sugars at Starbucks or the Japanese authorities will be the least of their worries…

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Great Job on The Laundry! In Recognition of Your Achievement…..

Posted on June 27, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Here`s what`s not explained clearly when permanently leaving the work place. Never again will you hear the words, “That was a great job.” Most likely no one will call a neighborhood coffee in your honor to say, “In recognition of your outstanding achievement in Laundry Facilitation, I am awarding you this ‘Domestic Goddess of Whom the Heavens Have Seen None Other’  Award Worth $500 at Neiman Marcus.” More likely, a daily barrage of:

“We`re having that for dinner? Can`t you make me something else- something you know I like?” (Not a restaurant. Eat it or wear it.)

” SO and SO is hogging the bathroom.” We have others- is there a reason why only that one will do?

“Why can`t I come home at 12 instead of 11? All the fun stuff happens then.” (Exactly)

“None of the other parents call to make sure an adult will be at the party! You`re so embarrassing.” (Whew- they haven”t spotted me peaking in the basement windows camouflaged in a mulch covered suit)

“You just want to control my life!” (God Willing)

So imagine my elation when I was offered a well manicured hand to pull me from the domestic fringe where I hung by my dish pan hands, cuticles frayed, rubber gloves worn through at the tips.

Hallelujah and thanks to Kate Allison for rescuing me with a little, ” I find your blog entertaining and worthy of the Versatile Blogger Award.”

Now when people ask me what I do in Japan, instead of my customary answer of “Nothing,” I can (honestly) answer, ” Well, I write an award-winning blog,” or “I”m an award-winning author.” I’ll be working on more equally nauseating responses now that I’m in the winner’s circle.

Thank you Kate Allison over at the Displaced Nation! When Kate gave me the award she was writing her own blog but disaster struck and she pulled up stakes. She is a regular contributor of feature articles at Displaced Nation and writes an ongoing story called “Libby`s Life” about a British ExPat relocating to a New England town which forces all the monsters from the family`s past out of the closet. Here Kate highlights her faves- which is the benefit of the blogging awards. Finding new fodder.

In keeping with tradition, I must list 7 facts about myself. They may or may not be true. Then on to highlighting 7 other blogs that routinely make my “Must Read” list.

7 Facts about Ouisar-san

1) I really am that mean to my Offspring. It’s character building. Spouse is nicer.

2) I am currently on a family tour of duty in the US where I am busy evaluating guest bath room amenities. Awards and Demerits will be distributed later.

3) Howard Stern is my celebrity look-alike.

4) Offspring #1 had a broken arm for two weeks before I took him to the doctor. That was several years ago before I had several broken bones under my belt.

5) One of my aunts is a famous psychic.

6) I had 6 toes on one foot until I finally had one surgically removed. Offspring #2 says that even without the 6th digit, I`m still a witch.

7) I was once pictured as a “Fashion Don’t” in a magazine wearing leggings and turquoise cowboy boots.

So, now that you are all busy trying to figure out fact from fiction, on to some of my favorites.

1) Author Piper Bayard– Piper writes a weekly mash-up where she adds content from all over the internet. I always find two or three new folks to follow. Her writing partner, Holmes, has caused my brain to grow as he has explained the mysteries of history.

2) Kristen Lamb’s Blog– An expert in social media and past literary editor- Kristen will teach you how to write, and blog, and twitter, and FB, and unFB, and lots of other things. And entertain you while learning you.

3) I Heart Mondegreens– Michi is a Californian living in Spain. She was just Freshly Pressed for the second time. Great stuff.

4) Reinventing the Event Horizon– Ever wondered what it was like to be the daughter of a mob boss? Well, Kathy is and she’s writing about it. Fascinating.

5) Taste of Japan I have just found this blog and must admit I have mixed emotions. Mostly a mix of  jealousy, envy, there must be a green-eyed monster on my back, and covetous- of my readers flocking to Taste of Japan. Stunning pictures along with great explanations. I feel that by recommending this blog I can cleanse myself of these issues.

6) Childhood Relived Angie is one of the funniest folks on WordPress. The comments are usually as funny as the post. Angie roots around her childhood finding all sorts of things to skewer.

7) Unbrave Girl The Chinese get a bad wrap but Sally is changing that one hilarious post at a time. Traveling Asia and blogging about it while keeping readers entertained is her forte. Kudos to Sally- I`m hooked.

Normally, I would spend a lot of time re-reading and proofing this post. Right now, I`m in a Starbucks with Grandmama since the internet at our eco-condo on the banks of a mosquito breeding pond was just a rumor. I`m in a hurry. She`s closed her Kindle and is now staring at me. Now she`s putting on her lipstick. Better go. Stink eye and thin lips. See you soon.

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Another Culture Lesson Learned the Hard Way- #16

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Today, I will review a case study, which will, if committed to memory, prevent your new Japanese friends from committing seppuku (suicide) after attending a party at your apartment.

Harasi-san, a Japanese male in his early twenties. A recent graduate of Tokyo University. (The Harvard of Japan) Harasi-san attended a cram high school in order to pass the entrance exam to TU foregoing extra curricular activities in order to dedicate all available hours to studying. He attended a cram middle school to attend the high school. He attended a cram grammar school to attend the cram middle school. He was birthed at a cram hospital where he had to demonstrate proficiency in two instruments prior to discharge. Harasi-san is smart. Harasi-san doesn`t talk much. He smiles sweetly when engaged in conversation and can only maintain direct eye contact for short bursts. He`s extremely polite and deferential to anyone considered his senior. Harasi-san gives up his seat to older people and pregnant woman on the train as he has been taught. He is typical of his age and gender in Japan. Harasi-san will be a prime mugging target in the US.

Harasi-san`s job on the biking tour was riding in the back to ensure none of the tourists fell behind. Normally this meant there was no need for him to interact with the group on a routine basis as most groups play follow the leader well.

Who knew the person living in Tokyo would be the one causing the most problems?

The Social Chairman, ” Ouisar-san- look! There`s a great little shop with tiny little cats! I need to take a picture so we can come back.” She stopped. We stopped. He stopped. We lost the group ahead of us. He called to find them. We moved on.

The Social Chairman, “Famous Funny Author- let`s stop real quick and take our picture with the Sky Tree in the background! This is a great spot! I need to take a picture so we can come back.” She stopped. We stopped. He stopped. We lost the group ahead of us. He called to find them. We moved on.

The Social Chairman, ” Do you see those guys fishing up ahead? I never knew you could fish here. HEY- What are you fellas catching?”

Blinking, non-comprehending stares from underneath straw hats answered her question.

She stopped anyway, lifting baskets to investigate the day`s catch. The old men looked at Hirisi-san and back to the Social Chairman. She talked at them in English, smiling loudly, when it occured to her that a photo had not been taken. “PICTURE!” She yelled and started directing the old men and the rest of us into position.

These old weathered men had seen a lot of fish but not a lot of blonde Americans from Tennessee. One asked Hirasi-san something along the lines of,

“What the Hell?”

Hirasi-san answered very typically,

“Mr. Fisherman, this exuberant yet eccentric American woman is most interested in documenting her journey- in its entirety – and most respectfully requests a picture with you and your fellows. Please, if you would be so kind. I`m so sorry for the intrusion. Thank you. ”

Harasi-san took a picture of the Social Chairman with 5 unsmiling fisherman. “I had to have a picture so we can come back.”  We`d long lost the group ahead of us. He called to find them. We moved on.

Harasi-san smiled and patiently navigated us through Tokyo even though now he and the tour guide had accepted the fact that it was better to let us ride as two groups to prevent the constant stopping and calling. Especially when the lagging group continually stopped traffic ultimately bringing the wrath of a policeman on the patient and humble Harasi-san.

By the end of the ride, Harasi-san was enduring endless jokes about finding an “American style girlfriend” since in the US he would have much more time for extra curricular activities. He didn`t comment and avoided eye contact as we contrasted the buxom, shot slamming American co-ed to her Japanese counterpart.

The ride ended and in Japanese style, was marked by popping the tab on a 12 pack. While one paid, the other tried on t-shirts, the next one exchanged email addresses, and this one pulled up Facebook. It was time for goodbye. Then the Social Chairman stepped in it.

She turned to Hirasi-san and before he had time to run gave him a full Southern style hug.

GASP!

Never, never, never, touch your Japanese friends.

Although not apt to bite or strike,  Japanese friends must have a high exposure to Western people prior to initiating body contact of any sort.

And please, for God`s sake, if you`re European, don`t kiss them. If you`re Arabic- please don`t do all of the above.

Harasi-san gave the Social Chairman the straight arms in order to prevent body contact. Afraid she might kiss him, he turned his head and leaned back as far away as possible. I believe his legs were also peddling backwards as he attempted to pull away but the Social Chairman now had him in a full grip. He wasn`t going anywhere for at least 5 seconds as Southern hugging etiquette requires.

Ouisar-san “SC- I think we are going to have to teach Hirasi-san how to hug before he goes to the US- he doesn`t know how.”

Hirasi-san was blocked by three big dudes thus was unable to flee. Although tempting to force the demonstration on Harasi-san, it was too evil- even for me.

O- “SC- we`ll demonstrate on each other- gimme the full on.”

We embraced like long-lost lovers. Or just women who hug first and say hello next.

O- ” Hirasi-san- observe. Bodies touching the whole way down. Heads over each other`s shoulders, arms gripping each other`s backs, hanging on for dear life- 5 seconds. You`ve got to learn this or people might think you`re cold.”

Thinking back on it, we should have had the Hermosa Beach Hotties demonstrate the man hug. Ah well, one step at a time. That may have too much for one lesson.

According to Andretti-san, hugs are reserved for “lovers.” (I need to teach him new words for that.) “Lovers” will hold hands when walking in Yoyogi Park together but interestingly that`s the only place I`ve ever seen it. The only form of touching acceptable in Japanese culture is the handshake which is reserved for foreigners. Every now and again I forget and touch a Japanese person, only to be reminded when the touch recipient`s back goes rigid and their eyes either glaze over or roll back in their heads before regaining composure. I`m a bad combination of over exuberant and slow learner. My Japanese friends know this and always give me a very wide berth never within my reach.

So- the other bits of advice about America?

Don`t talk to strangers.

Travel all over.

It`s interesting to think about your own culture. What would you have told someone moving to your country for the first time?

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Irises at Meiji Shrine – and a Surprise Sighting

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Emily Cannell

My favorite ” go to” spot- Meiji Shrine. Always entertaining- to me anyway, as  I can never find anyone else to tag along. The Offspring hide until I`ve been gone for 10 minutes. Spouse will go if he can see Sumo wrestlers. The shrine was built in honor of Emperor Meiji- the man who opened Japan to the outside world  in the late 1800`s at the close of the Shogunate age. Emperor Meiji and his wife, Empress Shoken, visited the current location of the shrine to enjoy the iris garden. Because of their love of the location, the shrine was built there in 1912.

Blooming in June, and having missed them last year, my camera was charged and ready to go.

The gold Chrysanthemum is the Emperor`s crest

Although located in the center of Tokyo, 175 acres of shrine ground containing  365 different species of trees completely muffles all city noise.

One must remain diligent, alert to danger when hiking through the forest. Anything could pop out.

I saw Bigfoot.

Two in fact. So, I guess I actually saw Bigfeet. Some of you might only be familiar with the scientific name -Sasquatch.

Once calm, I realized Bigfoot travels alone-never in pairs. Some remain skeptical of the existence of Bigfoot, however, what else could these be? I`m including the blurry picture of these raccoon-ish/ Bigfoot type things on the move for easier species identification. I couldn`t test my hypothesis that they are of the raccoon variety by tossing food and observing them handling it with their paws. Or do they only do that in cartoons?

I stayed, watching them, pondering an appropriate scientific name for this new species I discovered until I remembered the painful reputation of rabies shots.

Through the clearing and in to the garden. I must have been off by a few days as there were a lot of plants but not a lot of flowers. The brochure pictures are stunning showing a carpet in varying shades of purple- and copyrighted- so I couldn`t post them as mine. No one would have been fooled- everyone would have recognized the high quality photos as something never seen before on this blog.

The hat- a distinguishing characteristic of a Japanese person.The younger generation prefers a fedora style. It`s why they all look young and I don`t.

Even weeds get a lift.

Nature is highly valued in Japanese culture. So far my favorite way to enjoy nature remains drinking sake under the cherry blossoms.

Ok- who knows what those animals are?

One of my FB friends- Linda- provided the answer. It`s a raccoon dog called a tanuki (read here). I was half right. Thanks Linda!

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Birds of a Feather Bike Tokyo Together

Posted on June 2, 2012 by Emily Cannell

I prefer to limit constraints on my behavior with too many rules. Therefore, I operate under a general set of guiding principles which can be altered if circumstances require a quick adjustment. There is one that has remained constant, has required no alterations or revisions, has never failed and is a prime candidate for stone etching. When the Offspring have had a particularly long stretch of good behavior, I seize upon this lecture dry spell, hoist myself upon the kitchen table clad in my Socrates costume and shout:

I `m not interested in your career or that of your husband`s, the hideaway location of  your lake house, little secrets such as both your lips and boobs are a double D, or if  Wills and Kate serve tea themselves or have a butler do it- I only want friends who entertain me.

If you`re fun, we`ll get along fine.

If you`re funny- bonus.

Otherwise, I don`t care.

My entertainment value, on the other hand, is highly variable and not suitable for most audiences.

So when the Social Chairman (the friend always cooking up fun things to do) and a new friend to this post- Famous Funny Author (Author of the hilarious book-“Getting Genki in Japan: The Adventures and Misadventures of a Family in Japan”) invited me on a guided bike tour of Tokyo`s cultural highlights led by locals I gladly hitched a ride. The promise of a stop at one of the local sumo stables (Practice rings) ensured that I kicked or punched all kids off their bikes as I peddled toward the front spot in the line of bikes.

The Social Chairman brought rubber bands for her pants. Didn`t people stop worrying about pants getting caught in the chain when bell bottoms went out of style? The guide was so embarrassed she provided something Lance Armstrongish for the pants.

Being a responsible biking company, we were required to wear helmets. These performed several duties- protected our heads and advertised our status as tourists since we were the only 8 bikers out of 6 million that day wearing one. They also alerted traffic to our novice status thus an additional 15 feet was allocated by taxis and buses on all sides. We could fall off a curb or run in to the biker in front of us at any moment causing either a front or sideways mass collision domino style. I had a cow bell on my bike for added safety. The incessant bonging warned pedestrians of my impending arrival. Unfortunately for the elderly man in the pin stripe suit, the 14-year-old in our group did not have a cow bell on his bike and was therefore not forewarned to the youngster baring down on his backside. Alas, he was rear ended. The Social Chairman and I had a rare opportunity to snicker behind our hands since neither of our Offspring had caused the ruckus.

Even these kids identified us as outsiders greeting us with choruses of “Herro” and “Nice to meet you.”

Our first stop was Nihonbashi- Japan Bridge. Several roads intersect at this bridge and walking each will lead to one of the major cities in Japan. The center marker is the starting point for mileage and has been since 1603.

Nihonbashi

“Kilometer 0” Marker. For some reason we didn`t see it so I had to borrow from Wikipedia. We were still early in the tour and full of vigor. Later a chance to stare blankly, while not peddling, at a plaque, or lie down on it, would have been welcomed.

Image from Wikipedia

From there we cycled through the area of town housing the Sumo stables. Watching a sumo practice at a stable is a difficult accomplishment due to the strict rules around behavior of the guests. After our group roared through the district accosting the young sumo I feel certain the Tokyo Great Cycling Tour will be forever banned from the area.

Feeble attempts to get away from me.

“Ahhh-  young grasshoppers. A lesson in experience versus strength. I`ve got much experience  hanging on to screaming, squirming, slimy, stinking urchins who, like you, tried in vain to escape my vice like grip. Be patient. You too will learn the ways of the Ouisar san.”

They were not allowed to go in peace. The Social Chairman wanted pictures.

The more he smiled, the closer she got. Then he bit her. JK.

If I don`t leave the ramen noodles alone I`ll be able to join a sumo stable.

We tried to harass the big guys at the Sumo stadium. Nothing but a two foot fence separated us from Los Jeffes Grandes. A minor hurdle followed by a quick sprint toward the wrestlers with both cameras firing could get a few good shots before they collapsed quaking in fear at the helmeted middle-aged woman shuffling hurriedly their way. Could the Funny Famous Author block the policeman watching before he drew on his inner Ninja and threw a billy club into my feet thereby ending my quest for blog pictures in a tumble followed by a collapse of glory- cameras still blazing? The next vision stopped my paparazzi impersonation cold. I saw myself hollering instructions from the paddywagon to the Social Chairman as it sped off, “Tell the kids there`s pasta in the cabinet. Call Andretti-san – tell him to impersonate Spouse and spring me from jail. Don`t tell Spouse I`m in the clink! Tell him I went on a last-minute Hangover III vacation girls weekend to Hong Kong.”

From there to the latest addition to Tokyo`s skyline- the Tokyo Skytree. This giant antenna is the second tallest building in the world at 2,080 feet and the latest craze about town. Impossible to get tickets.

Yawn. Stretch. Scratch.

It was built because the old one- the Tokyo Tower- at half that height- is now blocked by too many buildings and suffers the same fate as the rest of us. Not enough bars to send and receive a message.

Killing three birds with one stone, I took this picture of the famous Asahi brewing company`s headquarters with the Sky tree in the background. The gold building is supposed to look like a beer mug with froth at the top. The other- well- yea-you can eat in it.

On to Asakusa- home to the oldest shrine in Tokyo.

Entrance to Sensoji Temple Built 628- Also known as Asakusa Kannon Temple after a fisherman caught the Kannon- Goddess of Mercy- from the river. Canon cameras is named for this.

Famous Funny Author and I were most entertained when the Social Chairman spotted two Maiko. (apprentice Geisha) She pounced- snapping pictures of the two maiko as they took pictures of each other. Odd. These two maiko looked like they`d been in a cat fight. One`s make up looked whitewashed with some skin peeking through and her hair was just slightly off-center. The other one tripped over every crack as she lunged and swayed toward the pagoda.

Photo by Heidi Sanford

“Fakes!” pronounced the guide, “too clumsy.”

The Social Chairman was now jogging backwards in front of the faux maiko taking pictures and smiling like a Cheshire cat. She figured it out when she saw us laughing. Now that`s what friendship is all about right there.

Laughing at, not with, friends.

Don`t feel sorry for her. She let me ride through Tokyo flashing posterior cleavage. It`s the only cleavage I have, so best to shake what my mama gave me. I am somewhat concerned about numbness to exposure preventing me from noticing. Must be the insulating effect of the fat.

The guides stopped at a department store basement where we selected whatever looked good for a picnic lunch. One item that was recommended to our new friends the “Hermosa Beach Hotties” was chicken yakitori.

Image Source Wikipedia

A safe choice and one which most people find preferable to the other Japanese menu items. Funny Famous Author pointed out the various options, “Beef, Chicken, Chicken hearts, chicken livers, chicken skin, and plain chicken.” Most Americans gasp in disgust. Not the Southerners. We know the offering isn`t complete without gizzards. Rumors abound that chicken “unmentionables” are also served on the yakitori stick but I`ve yet to see it. When I do, I`ll offer it to an unsuspecting visitor. Don`t worry, I`ll take pictures.

No one picked this.

Photo by Heidi Sanford

Next we visited Tokyo University- the Harvard of Japan. One of our guides just graduated from TU and will be moving to the US for graduate school. Kids go to private “Cram High Schools” in order to pass the entrance exam for TU. Instead of taking pictures of the historical school, I took several of this tree with a few brilliant students sitting underneath.

The Tree of Knowledge

We ended at the Imperial Palace where several rules were broken by our group. SC walked on the gravel, one of the Hermosa Beach Hotties stood on the curb, Funny Famous Author parked her bike in the “no parking zone” and our guides allowed our pictures to be taken with a sign “advertising” their company.

Not everyone wants their picture in this blog.

We rode 40km. We completed 9 hours of biking. We only burned 200 calories. We stopped to eat 6 times. We saw many cultural highlights and picked up a few new facts. We laughed. We have new Facebook friends. We met a group who like to see a place from the inside. We briefed our new friend Mitch on what to expect in America. (Next blog post) We will do this again- here and every new city we visit. We know we`ll find entertaining people from all over the world.

Please check out “Getting Genki in Japan” by our own Funny Famous Author, Karen Pond.

Tokyo Great Cycling Tour– Read about them Here

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Tattoos – Today`s Taboo Topic

Posted on May 28, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Today`s taboo topic is the tattoo.

There are two main reasons I don`t have any. I view the largest organ of the body as a blank canvas, thus my first major hurdle is the limited color palate from which to choose. Being a “winter” in color, to use 80`s terminology in describing my skin tone, certain hues work better than others in preventing me from turning green when fully clothed, or not, in the case of being outfitted in tats. Until pimento, 4 variations of purple and all colors reflected off the ocean can be inked, I`ll pass.

The other is a long ingrained fear of commitment. Just like a home, I like a change of scenery every two years prompting Spouse to pronounce we should buy tents instead of houses. Other than the Clampitt clan- two of whom will leave in a few years anyway, and Spouse who I couldn`t part with because he really is funny, I can`t think of anything I`ve partnered with for longer than two years. Visions of me pouring acid on the tattoo site, scratching it off, or carving it out with a fish knife in a crazed fit of fear of commitment prevent me from entering the tattoo artist`s studio.

But now I have a third reason.

Unlike most countries in the world, Japanese still view tattooed folk with suspicion and distrust. Because of this, tattoos must be covered before the individual is allowed entry in to some places and might be barred from others.

Why? Tattoos have been used in Japan for several centuries to identify criminals. Prisoners were tattooed with inscriptions such as,

“I am an escaped prisoner, if found return me to xxxx prison”

This approach worked.

Similar to when I took Offspring #1 to Sesame Place and I wrote on his belly with a black sharpie,

“I am lost, please call my mother at xxxxxxxx.”Although not permanent, it was long-lasting. I got lots of well-meaning phone calls for the next two weeks when we went to the pool. (Not long after I discovered fingernail polish takes off everything.)

On and on through the centuries this practice continued of tattooing criminals which created a long-established “tattoo equals criminal” mentality. Eventually, gang members and other factions began to get similar tattoos for identifying each other.  Tattoos became associated with the Japanese mafia- the Yakusa- during the last century.

Some poor children born in to crime families are tattooed at birth. I was able to take pictures of some recently tattooed toddlers nicknamed “CupiKuza.”

Yakuza style tattoos- according to local anonymous experts

Most toddlers are learning “mama and dadda.” These guys are learning the appropriate response to “Stop! Police! Get your hands in the air! Now!”

Bless their hearts.

Even covering the tattoo might not protect an individual from the stereotype. Recently an article appeared in the Japan Times which stirred the tattoo ink.

In the 1970`s many of the tattooed sanitation workers were associated with the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and/or Tony Soprano. Healthy debate has ensued regarding civil liberties etc.

The event that instigated this whole affair however, was a teacher threatening his students with exposure to his tattoo/tattoos. Parents complained. This of course leads to the obvious questions- where are the tattoos and what is the subject material? The stuff of nightmares alright.

 

The presence of two full length pinky fingers, my inability to communicate a complete sentence in Japanese, and hair that grows against gravity would lead most Japanese to conclude that I was not a member of the Yakuza even if I were covered in tattoos, however, I would still be asked to cover them. Tattooed customers could scare away other potential patrons. And that`s the reason you should bring lots of band aids, long-sleeved t-shirts, and ace bandages on your next trip to Japan for covering any sized tat- just in case.

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Posted on May 23, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Space is the last frontier because it`s so boring. Luckily for the Clampitts, one of our favorite Tokyo Bloggers, TokyoBling, Documented the Solar Eclipse so I didn`t have to. Not only did he capture the sun, he also got some great shots of the people either watching or ignoring the happening. Enjoy.

Offspring #2 safely watches the eclipse. Yawn.

tokyobling's avatarTokyobling's Blog

A perfect solar eclipse does’t come along too many times in the life span of a typical human. You’re lucky to see it once or twice in your life perhaps. Yesterday morning the entire southern Japan had such a chance, but in most cases clouds and even the smoke plume of an active volcano made it hard to see anything. I got up early to find the sky in dense cover of clouds but as the magic moment came closer the clouds gradually disappeared, only to reappear a few minutes before the eclipse, to cover the sun. Still, the strong light of the sun shone straight through the clouds even in the middle of the eclipse and I managed to get these photos of the perfect ring of fire with my 500mm Bigma lens, set at 1/8000, f36 and ISO of 25, in addition to holding up a polarizing filter…

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Andretti-san Plus New Phone Equals Danger in Tokyo

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Andretti-san- fastest driver in the East, cultural guide, and Japanese sensei- is also a self-professed otaku– someone obsessed with electronics and gaming to the exclusion of all other interests and activities. He and I have debated the validity of his membership in the ranks of otaku based on his possession and daily usage of an introductory model of the flip phone. Any bona fide member of the otaku gang would have upgraded to a stylus version with gaming capabilities ten years ago. Our conversation usually spirals downward in to a wasted explanation of graphics and speed always ending in cheap.

Twenty five to thirty years after Andretti-san`s phone was released to the market, he saved enough Docomo points to get a smart phone. Free.

On Day 1 of the new phone, he held it aloft in the morning sunlight filtering through the windshield. Angels heralded its maiden ride about town with rapturous praise and joyful sounds.

Ouisar-san   “Oh good- now we can text each other instead of sending emails!”

Andretti-san   “What`s that?”

O-   “You know- sort of like instant messaging on the computer- a way of sending a message quickly. I`ll send you one- give me your new phone number.”

=====Hi it`s me test test test======

Chimes went off  where the new phone was hidden. He reached for the glove box and the car swerved in that direction.

A-  “What does this mean?”

O- ” A test- like when NASA calls the space shuttle,` Columbia, this is Houston- do you read?` This is a TEST to see how it looks when it comes through. Ok- you send me one.”

He switched to indirectly driving the car-which means only his knees have any sense of the road as they steer the car. His eyes, brain and hands were otherwise engaged in creating a text message. A man threw a garbage can in our path and jumped out-of-the-way as we careened down the back street. Andretti-san doesn`t worry about collateral damage or obstacles coming in contact with the car unless it leaves a mark.

A-    “Why do this? Email is fast. ”

O-   ” This way you don`t have to scroll through contacts, address it, blah blah blah. Just type a couple of words and send. Fewer key strokes.”

A-   “Just call- easier.”

Employing a cell phone in public is considered the height of rudeness as it disturbs those around you. Although Andretti-san has no qualms about doing whatever is necessary to benefit a member of the Clampitts, I would still prefer to put my best foot forward. Certainly in times of emergency it can`t be avoided however, most Japanese wouldn`t consider my potential phone calls as legitimate emergencies:

“Help- the lady is not speaking the same Japanese I speak!”

“How do you say ` A pink Size 32 A bra` in Japanese?”

“The bank manager says the bank can only do business with Spouse, can you come in and pretend to be him so I can get this done today?”

The second day he discovered YouTube on the phone. He pulled up, “Staying Alive” from the BeeGees. We bull dozed through a school crossing as we competed with each other for best John Travolta impersonation. The sound of bikes hitting the pavement and teachers yelling never broke through our disco inferno.

Next came a medley of 70`s hits including Donna Summer`s “Hot Stuff.” How did a generation of polyester wearing dancers avoid laughing when Donna announced her immediate need for some hot stuff? An immaculately clean black car with tinted windows slid in to the parking deck of the only International grocery store in Tokyo. Everyone stopped, turned and hoped to see if the current celebrity about town- Johnny Depp-  would emerge from the car as it blared “I Want Some Hot Stuff” and screeched in to a front row parking place.

But I got out.

As I walked the dairy aisle, I saw several store employees checking the refrigeration unit trying to identify the cause of the vibrating eggs.

Within a few days, Andretti-san had downloaded all the songs from his youth minus a few of which he could not recall the artist or the words.

A-   “Ouisar-san- do you remember this song? `da da da da da da da` ? It was song by a female R & B singer in the 70`s.”

Unable to narrow it down based on the information presented, I downloaded “Sound Hound” and instructed him to hum a few bars.

“No Close Matches”

After several tries, we realized that Sound Hound responds better to melodious humming versus the “dadada” type. It highlighted several current artists from the Middle East of whom we were previously unaware. After a full day of listening to various musical genres- none of them from the 70`s American era- we moved on to one I recognized immediately.

“Shame” by Evelyn Champagne King.

Since his new high-tech phone responded to voice commands he instructed it to download, “Errerin Champagne King.” Either the phone did not understand or could not hear due to my background laughter.

O-   “Maybe your phone only understands Japanese.”

More knee driving, followed by me hitting the imaginary brake in the back seat, which resulted in the slamming on of brakes to avoid the truck stopped in front of us. He entered her name using the Japanese phonetic system.

By now the police were tracking our progress through town by following the periodic bursts of honking, yelling and brakes screeching which occurred whenever Andretti-san played with the phone.

A-  “Nope. I`ll try it in English – pronounced the way Japanese people would say it.”

He tried it again, ” Eb oh reen oo Chom pan keeng oo.”

“SHAME!

Burning, you keep my whole body yearning
You got me so confused
It’s a shame”

Cha Chiiiinnnnng-Jackpot.

In the meantime, bystanders have reported seeing a person recklessly driving a black car slinging either a passenger or ventriloquist`s dummy to and fro in the back seat. Observers can not confirm if the driver is male or female due to the high rate of speed with which said driver travels. The police have asked Tokyo residents to watch for this unidentified road hazard at the sound of oncoming screeching tires.

Next week Andretti-san will revive the 80`s on our weekly trip to Costco.

Never give the fastest driver in the East an excuse to take his eyes off the road.

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A New “First” to Add to The Unusual List

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Five years ago, had my station wagon fallen in to a sink hole on my way to Pilates and that deranged Alice revealed our lives full of “firsts” in Japan, I would have asked for one of whatever she had swallowed. What once seemed so unusual has now become very normal. But even now, after 18 months, a new “first” manages to make it to the ever-growing list.

1) For the first time, I am long and sinewy some might even describe me as a tall glass of water. At 5`4″, towering above the crowd, I`m a size XXL. Offspring #2, dwarfs me in height with feet to match. Feet too large for women`s boots, she is forced to sport Men`s snowboarding boots while gracing the slopes.

2) Spouse and I can buy beer out of a vending machine. Somehow it doesn`t explode after making the trip down the shoot.

3) I can now ride a bike while holding an umbrella. Some of you might notice the shadow on the wall indicating the presence of sun. Umbrellas are used in Japan as often to protect from sun as rain. I wish I`d learned this skin saving trick earlier so the Japanese wouldn`t mistake me for the Offspring`s grandmother.

4) I became the first woman to pioneer a new Olympic Snowboarding Event “Olympic Mogul Gymnastics.” In it I performed cartwheels and somersaults while attached to a snowboard down the 1998 Nagano Olympic Mogul course. I was on track for a perfect score until I failed to complete a mid-air 360 degree rotation.

5) The first time I encountered a squat toilet I had no idea how to approach the bench. I am now equally functional on a squat toilet or a Western style.

6) Many of you know the suffering I withstood wearing the kimono for the first time. I`m happy to report the lack of oxygen I endured due to the constriction around my lungs by this instrument of torture did not cause any noticeable brain damage. My broken ribs are healing nicely. (Read Here)

7) I told Spouse for the first time, “Honey, if in the next several days I break out in a fever of unknown origin, lose consciousness, or otherwise become unable to communicate, tell the doctor that today I was bitten by a baby snow monkey.”

8) For the first, and hopefully the last time, I drank a large glass of live fish who all looked back as I lifted the glass to let out one, long high-pitched scream on the way down. (Read Here)

9) Instead of snow days, hurricane days, or tornado weather, the kids now have Typhoon days, Earthquake days, and

the new first:

10) A late school start due to a Solar Eclipse. The Solar Eclipse due to hit Japan on May 21 between 6:00 AM and 9:00 AM will be problematic to the morning commute and potentially dangerous. Apparently it is not just an ugly rumor that staring at the sun, even when it is covered by the moon, can cause eye damage. I guess the school administration thinks parents will do better job than the bus drivers at keeping kids away from windows.

Looks like China, Japan, and the Western half of the US and Canada get the good view on this one. I`ll be looking forward to the pictures. Although I might glance at it once or twice

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Uhh- What the Hell is That?

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Emily Cannell

“What the HELL is that?”

I ask that question at least once a day.

Politely.

Yesterday it occurred when Andretti-san and I encountered these:

Andretti-san  – “Eat it.”

Not unless my other choice is being forced to watch the movie “Yentl” over and over for 48 hours straight.

Ouisar-san- “I`ll force the Offspring to eat it. I`ll tell them they ate it when they were babies and loved it.” That works about half the time. The percentage of success is dropping as they get older.

Andretti-san- “Nani-o?”

Ouisar-san- “It`s in the fruit section. I`m betting on a fruit.” It looked vaguely familiar.

Remarkably, once home, I realized that I had seen this fruit before. On a bag.

A mangosteen. According to Wikipedia, this delicious snack is-

“In each fruit, the fragrant edible flesh that surrounds each seed is botanically endocarp, i.e., the inner layer of the ovary.[2]”

a reproductive organ.

Having eaten other foods with a similar obligation to the propagation of certain species, I became more hesitant to sample. On the other hand, I have continued to love oranges in spite of a Botany Professor`s disclosure that the pulp was hundreds of ovaries. (This explains why many people will only drink pulp-free orange juice)

My Canadian cousins had brought the dried version over from Thailand. Those were tasty. I volunteered myself as the guinea pig. Instructions for opening were included.

Next time I`ll follow the instructions correctly for a neater result.

Very tough outer layer. Squishy inside. Consistency of a peach. Sweet but with the aftertaste of something sweetened artificially. Pit in the middle. Very small. The fruit version of a sunflower. A lot of work for a little taste. Something good to eat while watching tv. Be careful with the knife.

We Clampitts thought a banana was an exotic fruit until moving here.

You?

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