Even the Japanese are Excited About Bama!

Posted on December 2, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Well football fans, the Tide is going to the National Championship.

Again.

Only diamond ear rings the size of my eyeballs would get me more excited.

Alabama has rabid fans everywhere. And no one, nowhere, nohow, can out cheer  the Japanese. One of my friends from home (Thanks MP!) posted this to my Facebook page.

Let me set the stage.

The video starts with video of the crowd at an unknown sporting event. Everyone is using something with which to make a sound which will drown out the one their neighbor is making.  Kazoos, bamboozles, pom pa dom toodles, and a tom tom or two are blasted at a high decibel level as the crowd cheers- or harasses- their favorite team.

Then, at 1:02, the band breaks in to a rousing rendition of the Alabama fight song. It made me want to run through the crowd in my Alabama cheer leading outfit high fiving and fist bumping. (I can`t lie- My cheer leading outfit in college consisted mainly of outfitting myself with cigarettes and a hot bourbon and coke. I guess that`s why I so enjoy a Japanese baseball game- the liquor and food are free-flowing. But that`s a story for later)

So- without further adieu- here it is.

ROLL TIDE  ya`ll!

Surreal neh?

Made me feel at home – 7,000 miles away from it.

Thanks MP and her Dad!

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Just How Rude are You? The Chopstick Test

Posted on November 25, 2012 by Emily Cannell

As if the Offspring didn`t cause enough raised eyebrows at home with their barn like behavior at the trough supper table, now the Japanese we encounter while dining have concluded somewhere hidden underneath those clothes is a curly tail. Amidst the smacking, elbows resting on any available surface and incorrect handling of all foreign dining objects, including a fork, my sole remaining hope for improved table manners rests on an over dramatic and disgusted look from an attractive member of the opposite sex.

But I keep trying.

Mushing on in spite of this relentless uphill assault.

Do you belong with my bovine? Test your chopstick chops….

The Chopstick Test

First Scenario

Junko- san and the man of her dreams, Andretti-san, take their place at the counter  for ramen and romance. Andretti-san unwraps the paper from his chopsticks and rubs them together, smoothing off any splinters that appeared when he broke them in half. Junko-san covertly scans the room for other eligible bachelors.

What caused Junko-san to lose that loving feeling?

1) Andretti-san outed himself as a Neanderthal – he was supposed to sharpen Junko-san`s chopsticks before working on his own.

2) What is he expecting? Splinters? Is he going to rub the chopsticks around in his mouth and along his lips in a show of what`s to come? Sharpening his chopsticks proved he was raised along with my Offspring somewhere beyond the Lions Sign at the entrance to town.

3) He actually didn`t do anything wrong. Junko-san was in fact looking for the waiter so she could order up the sake and get the party started.

Answer:

Subtract 15 points if you picked #1. Although it`s a good instinct to manhandle your partners chopsticks thus proving you can handle things around the ranch, it`s not de rigueur to do so. What Andretti-san did wrong was to sharpen the chopsticks. HOW AMERICAN  RUDE!

Like #2? Give yourself 30 points if you recognized he is an escapee from a hoofed herd. The Asians have been using wooden chopsticks for centuries without employing tweezers at the close of every meal.  No need to smooth the edges.

You picked #3? 3 points for participation.

Second Scenario

We`ve all been there. Some things just can`t be managed with chopsticks. Junko-san was chasing a slippery gyoza which continued to slide through her chopsticks, fall in the ponzu sauce and splash all over her faux fur stole. Junko-san is no dummy, she graduated from the Harvard of Japan, Tokyo University, so she stabbed it in the middle and nibbled delicately off the chopstick while Andretti-san watched mesmerized.

What is the reason behind this gyoza guffaw?

1) Andretti-san is actually mesmerized at her complete lack of couth. Never stab food with chopsticks even if you`ve sharpened them to a fine point and whittled off all the stray splinters.

2) Andretti-san was actually trying to figure out how to tell her she had a big ball of pepper between her front teeth without killing the mood.

3) Andretti-san was having the same problem so he skewered a gyoza and nibbled away while staring into Junko-san`s unblinking eyes. The sake was sinking in. Those were some damn good gyoza. No problem here.

Answer:

15 points for number one. No matter how it slides, shivers, shakes or tries to run away, stabbing is not allowed.

10 Sympathy points for the second answer. You`re rude, but at least you`re empathetic.

Negative 15 for #3 – As a general rule for living one`s life, it is never ok to stab. How many times do I remind the OS of that during a day?

Scenario 3

Junko-san sees someone she knows across the restaurant.

J- “Over there- see her? The Lolita dressed like a Little Bo Peep doll – cute blue hat with the blonde wig and staff?”

A- ” Where? ” Andretti-san is more focused on his yakitori.

Junko-san points toward Bo with her chopsticks.

Now she gets his attention.

A- “That`s hot.”


Other than a fetish for vixen highlighted in nursery rhymes, what`s wrong here?

1) Just like your guns, leave the staff at the door. And knives, ropes, ninja stars, or samurai swords.

2) Bo, your peeps know not to wear that hat inside.

3) Pointing with chopsticks? Honestly. How many times did your mother tell you not to point your gun at people, point your finger at people, or poke at people with  pointy objects – especially in the vicinity of the eyes? Sheesh.

Answer:

Checked 1? 15 points for knowing to leave the artillery at the entrance.

2 your final answer? 5 points- everybody knows not to wear a hat inside.

3- Add 20 points to your tally. If “point” is part of the discussion, it`s always the answer.

Scenario 4

Andretti-san has just been served a whole, fried sardine. He salivates thinking of how delicious the combination of innards and crunchy skin will taste. But he is face to face with a dilemma. How to eat this tasty treat?

Something is fishy here….

1) He picks up the fish with his chopsticks and eats it, one bite at a time. No cutting required.

2) He takes his chopsticks and using one in each hand separates the meat from the bone. Bon appetit!

3) He puts his chopsticks together and cuts it by mashing down on the fish until it separates under the points of the sticks.

…. Would Renee – my favorite professor at Renee A. Schuls-Jacobsen`s Blog– employ this trickery with students on occasion? (Can someone tell me how to get the ‘ over a letter? Damn!)

Answer:

Give yourself 30 points if you knew both #1 and #3 are correct. When taking on more than a mouthful with chopsticks, it`s perfectly ok to bite off the correct size without cutting it first. If you do have to cut, don`t pull the food apart using each chopstick or by trying to scissor with the chopsticks.

You know the drill- since #2 is absolutely wrong, take off 15 points.

Scenario 5

Junko-san wants a piece of yakitori from Andretti-san`s plate. He takes a piece of meat with his chopsticks and holds it in the air for her to take using her chopsticks. She takes it, dips it in the sauce using her chopsticks, and eats it.

They are good with the chopsticks, but something is wrong.

1) No matter how good it looks, no sharing unless it`s from the family style plate in the center of the table.

2) She must say “Honto” after she accepts the meat as a polite gesture.

3) The only time anything is passed directly from one person`s chopsticks to another is at a funeral. On that occasion, the anything is the bones of the deceased.

Answer:

#1- here`s 5 points for participation, and it`s fine to share food as long as it`s done correctly.

#2- I made that up completely. Honto means “really?” in Japanese. It also makes me laugh every time I hear it. I use it all the time and laugh at myself. No one else sees the humor. 0 points.

#3- 15 points. True that. One thing I`ve learned about funerals in other cultures. (the hard way) Before attending one read up so there are no uncomfortable surprises- especially if your children are there.

Scenario 6

Andretti-san leans back in his chair, rubs his full belly and shows his appreciation with a base heavy belch. He then places his chopsticks in the rice. All done.

What now?

1) Belching at the table is a show of appreciation- along with slurping of the noodles. The wait staff and chef bow in thanks for this customer`s display.

2) Is there no end to Andretti-san`s bad manners? Please don`t stick the chopsticks in anything. Especially in a bowl of rice. Another ritual best left to funerals, which is the only time chopsticks are stuck in rice.

3) Belly rubbing is only for Buddha and he is not ALL OF THAT.  His view of himself is distorted and offensive to the other customers.

Answer:

A? Give yourself 10 points for being half right. Slurping noodles is a sign of a good noodle and the chef will bathe in the appreciation. On the other hand, is belching ever polite? Probably somewhere, but not here.

B- 30 points for this. Really Andretti-san you are part of the barnyard crew.

C- I made that up. It just looks rude and disgusting. 0 points.

Your tally? 100? You`re ready to be a contributing editor to Miss Manners.

If your score is negative, ditch the eating implements and just eat directly off the plate. Lick your fingers and throw food at the chef if you don` t like it. You won`t seem anymore rude than you already are.

Between 0-90- There`s hope. You`ve got good instincts at least.

There you have it. Even though most chopsticks are throw away and come packaged with a toothpick the rules still apply.

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Miyajima- The Jewel on My UNESCO Hit List

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Life is not a race.

Unless you`re a Clampitt. Then what`s not a race is a competition. If there are no competitors, go up against yourself. I usually take on the inner voice that provides unwelcome running commentary on the day. The one that advises I use my rejected hair from “Locks of Love” for dirty dishpan scrubbing.

I am currently involved in a friendly competition, against myself, to see which one of us can visit the most Japanese UNESCO World Heritage Sites. One of us is a cheater as she counts multiple visits to the same site. She`s the American. The Japanese version of myself, who plays by the book, Ouisar-san, has seen 12 of the 16 UNESCO sites. My American alter ego, Emily, has seen 46 of the 16. (Emily double or triple counts a single trip. Sometimes it`s for good reason and not just list padding. When the Nose visited she took so long going through each site Emily counted each as two visits. The Nose had to journal about each place. Then she transcribed even the most mundane of the minutia- the details of 8th century roof tile making techniques for example. And then she had to sketch it. Followed by a haiku composition. Then she choreographed an interpretive dance. It`s faster to circle the globe.)

The American version of myself runs through the shrines counting, throwing elbows at other tourists for the best picture taking position, cutting in the handicapped line, and knocking tiny elderly Japanese tourists out of the way with her overstuffed fanny pack. Ouisar- san reads all the signage and doesn`t take pictures if not allowed.

Ouisar-san allotted two and a half hours for Myajima. Emily carved out 30 minutes and forced skates on the other members of the party in an attempt to cut it down by 15. Officially known as Itsukushima Shrine, “Shrine Island.” Even people without an interest in Japan have seen pictures of it`s jaw dropping Tori gate entrance.

Imagine a bluer sky, redder tori gate, and more contrast on the mountains. Then it will be more awe inspiring.

Built in 1168, the entire island is a sacred location. In order to maintain its purity, no deaths or births are allowed within a certain distance from the shrine. I`m not sure how “sudden deaths” are managed so don`t plan one while visiting the shrine.

The floating shrine with views of Mt. Misen and the bay north of Hiroshima make for a photographer`s dream.Which marks me as a tourist. Mine were spruced up with Instagram proving Emily is a cheater.

Can you find me?

This bathtub gives both a soak and scrub at the same time.

The rickshaw driver fought valiantly attempting to outrun the picture snapping annoyance. The bride and groom ended up as blog fodder anyway.

I soon discovered they were running toward all the food stalls. The local specialties being grilled oysters with ponzu sauce… (Soy sauce, mirin, and lemon juice)

and these meat and seafood mish moshes on a stick.

The only ham in the building is not just wrapped around the stick. The cook is used to being photographed.

As in some other locations throughout Japan, sacred deer roam freely to check visitors` bags for explosives, illegal contraband, and edible grain. As over zealous airport TSA agents, they will rip your packages open and your clothes off.

Miyajima- it ranks near the top of our “Japan Must See” List. Ouisar-san and Emily agree it`s a must see.

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The Best Ramen- A Quest for the Holy Grail of Noodles

Posted on October 2, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Many of you know of my singular and all-encompassing love of the ramen noodle. In particular, the spicy version known in Japan as “Tantanmen.” Slurping, sloshing and spraying this delectable carb on other patrons at the ramen bar is an experience which causes me to rip off my paper bib, jump off the bar stool my arms raised in praise, and clap to the rhythm of the gospel choir singing ramen praises in my head. While Andretti-san and the other salary men act like I`m not in the restaurant.

My love for the tantanmen is not unconditional as all are not created equal. Finding the Holy Grail of ramen, the one true tantanmen, has become my quest. Together with Andretti-san, my unwilling partner and taste tester, we comb and scour Tokyo seeking out other converts who can provide witness to the one true, all hallowed ramen.

After spinning at the gym when many of us are craving carbs, candy and a cold beer, one poor woman got off her bike and collapsed on the floor, babbling all tongue-tied over a recent ramen rendezvous. Immediately I whipped out my iPhone to note the details as this could be it. Intriguing in that this brand of ramen employed a gimmick..

I`m a fan of the gimmick as a marketing ploy. (Anyone else have a “ShamWow” or a set of Ginsu knives?”)

This gimmick was a hot rock.

We had to try it.

Located in the lowliest and most humble of settings- a train station. No matter how arduous the journey, we had to go. Well, I wanted to and Andretti-san went because I paid.

The place was filled with salary men all wearing white shirts and black pants- and me. The reason Japanese women are so thin is that they don`t down lunches laden with 2500 calories per bowl hence their absence at the ramen shops.  This is also the reason I am the only American to move to Japan and put on -rather than lose- 20 pounds. All that aside, we ordered the spicy version of the rock ramen.

“A good sauce always stains the chop sticks” Ebisu, one of the Seven Lucky Gods of Japan, adapted by Ouisar-san

Andretti-san was less than enthusiastic. He doesn`t like to dip his ramen in the sauce explaining that it dilutes the taste. I disagree arguing that the solution is the double dip.  Here he demonstrates the proper technique for ramen eating:

Neither one of us noticed the taste we were so enamored with the gimmick. In order to observe the ritual appropriately, we consulted the sacred texts.

According to the historical teachings, we were to add dashi (Japanese soup base) from a sacred urn on the table to the remaining broth.

A hot rock was delivered to the table after Andretti-san chanted in Japanese. He then performed the service.

Fire and brimstone mixed with the broth for a delightful show.

Salvation? Redemption from a long day at work? Or a half day in our case? Maybe. My friend failed to tell about the free facial steam with every bowl.

Not the rock on which to build our future but still worth a try.  My spinning friend says that after a while  a craving develops and she finds herself elbowing her way in to the station shop.

This is still the one I crave.

Tantanmen from Koh Men, Omotesando

 Japanese people say there`s no reason to make homemade ramen when it`s so easy to buy it. The frozen version of all Japanese food- including tantanmen- is damn good. Not like the styrofoam food we Americans choke down from the freezer section.

Andretti-san has told me the only way I`m going to get the recipe is as a cook at the ramen shop. In the meantime, I`ve begged “Japan Eats” to go get it for me. I`ll keep you posted. Once they unblock me from Twitter I should be able to share the recipe.

Japan folk:

The rock ramen is at Tetsu in the Roppongi Metro Station and all kidding aside, it is worth tasting. I hear their special rice is really tasty too.

The Tantanmen pictured above is from Koh Men in Omotesando across from TGI Fridays.

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Japanese Name Calling- Not Appropriate for Children and Teenagers

Posted on September 30, 2012 by Emily Cannell

Tengu.

Oh-and  it`s nasty. Use it carefully. Don`t tell I taught you or I`ll call you a liar.

After reading this, you will shiver with delight every time you shout it at your worst arch-enemy from behind the locked sound proof doors of home sweet home or make the  gesture in secret at book club.

I came upon this little tidbit by accident. Perhaps I was involved in something that will land me in the confessional this weekend ultimately leading to a wardrobe of hair shirts. Without sharing gory details, let`s just say I wasn`t exactly loving on one of my neighbors. In fact, I might have been engaged in a verbal assault on this other person`s behavior, which from the viewpoint of my pedestal, was superior, spoiled ExPatish, and primadonna-ish.

(Does anyone else hear that Southern female voice age about 72 saying something about “when you point the finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you”?)

Anyhoo- Andretti-san (driver, cultural advisor, and ardent ramen enthusiast) who pretended to be bored stiff was of course listening intently to every juicy tidbit of lady venom. Just in case he was in fact tuning out the conversation, I was sure to repeat every bit of the meat after my friend clawed her way out of the car. Although she managed to escape, he was trapped.
Andretti-san is a street scrapper. He knows a thing or two about managing the most heinous categories of individuals- children and women on a rant.

Employ a diversion.

” Ouisar-san, do you know what Japanese call people like that?”

He knew teaching me a cultural nasty would stop the spewing of expletives or at least cut it off until he could get me to the ramen shop.

“Tengu- you know- the spiritual guy at the shrines that guards the temple with the long nose? He looks human on the outside but he`s really a monster on the inside. He`s snooty- his big nose sticks up in the air. ”

Wikipedia image

” When someone is acting like they are better than everyone else, you do this…. and call them Tengu….”

Here I am demonstrating the Tengu gesture. I am not the Tengu although my nose makes a pretty good impression of the real thing.

Traditional Tengu Guardian Image

Now that I think about it, I`ve seen this gesture before. A lot. But people usually start to giggle and put their hands down real quick when I see them doing it.

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“What`s Your Type?”

Posted on September 9, 2012 by Emily Cannell

“What`s your sign?”

The ultimate conversation starter lost with the demise of the horoscope in the 70`s. Perhaps it got tangled up with disco. Whatever the reason,  I stopped looking for a Leo soul mate and that groovy Sagittarius embroidered chambray shirt went to Good Will along with my velvet big bells.

But should I have been studying Eastern philosophy instead?

In Japan and many other Asian countries, the better question is, “What`s your type?”

As in blood type.

Perhaps this is best told with a story.

Once upon a time there was a male Japanese twenty something looking for love in Roppongi.

The Japanese twenty something asked the shy, kawaii (Cute) girl twirling the straw between her fingers,

“What`s your type?”

“O.” She lied, looking toward the floor, sneaking a peek through her bangs toward his face to see if he bought it.

Imagine she has bangs, no fan, and Western style clothing.

He knew she was lying.

An “O” would never act like that.

This savvy fella knows his “O” blood types. And likes them. Considered by Japanese and other Asian cultures to be the most desirable of the options. At their best, an “O” is usually leading the conga line, laughing, sociable, realistic, energetic and optimistic. Rude and lacking follow through at their worst.

Since he`s a “B” type, “O” works well with his personality. Creative, bold, reckless, prone to being a lone wolf, playful, practical, he and an “O” make a nice balance, even when he is being reckless or going his own way.

He suspects this girl was an “AB“.  The worst. They usually lie about their blood type. Probably the Wicked Witch of the West, Cruella de vil, and Darth Vader were AB. All villains are. Everybody knows it. Cool, controlled, rational, spiritual, sensitive, and bookwormish. A tendency to have a split personality. Most Japanese anime villains are AB.

(Offspring #1 has hurled accusations of AB at OS#2. A bloody, blood type blood feud boiled over.)

AB is best matched with A. Our bar fly watches the “A” types arrange shot glasses in a perfectly straight line along the bar. Neat, fastidious, responsible, teacher`s pets, perfectionists, and hard-working. On the negative – workaholics.

I used to work with an A. I loved to re arrange the stick pins haphazardly on his bulletin board when he was at lunch. Good times.

I forgot about the story.

Go ahead and imagine the rest. I`ve lost interest. Chalk it up to my blood type.

Used by matchmakers arranging marriages, listed on baseball cards and social networking sites, this information is considered a mandatory part of the information gathering process when assessing compatibility. 90% of Japanese know their blood type as opposed to a small unverifiable number of Americans.Which is borne out in the Clampitt family of whom only one is sure of their blood type.

Our local guide on all things Japanese, declared bachelor, and expert on blood types claiming accuracy within 99%, Andretti-san, was asked to predict for the three unknown Clampitts.

He predicts A for Spouse. His elementary teachers still talk about what a nice student he was to their nursing home orderlies.

Offspring #1- The teenager who can walk through any airport in the world and run in to four people and two teachers he knows- O.

Offspring #2-the teenager who asked Ouisar -san to stop putting her clothes away because they weren`t folded neatly enough –  A.

The one verified by blood donor card?

Holla

Ouisar-san- O- favorite pass time- photo bombing- while on the dance floor.

Sources: Wikipedia

Ketsuekigatabetsuseikaku

Issendai`s lair  – Detailed description and links to all blood type descriptions

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Ouisar-san drops the Ball on the Local Matsuri

Posted on September 3, 2012 by Emily Cannell

The fact that I`ve been blogging for two full years and haven`t done a post on a matsuri is shameful an oversight. Especially given the number of these that occur throughout the year. During a matsuri, the neighborhood shrine`s delegates take the local kami-  deity or god- for a walk through the neighborhood. Since it only happens once a year, best to make sure it`s worth while for the house bound kami. A parade is in order. (Kami, I feel ya. Sometimes I leave the apartment banging pot lids together after a long stretch of apartment enshrinement) Kami leave the shrine encased in a mikoshi (float)  accompanied by much fanfare. And drinking, chanting, banging of drums, goldfish fishing, gaming, and eating. And maybe a quick game of pachinko.

Everybody celebrates. Normally stoic Japanese are all smiles as the mikoshi makes its way down the street. Men and women carry the mikoshi.

Many of the onlookers wear a short sort of yukata (in navy blue) which indicates the neighborhood of the matsuri. These girls are wearing traditional yukata- a light weight kimono worn during the summer. Already these young girls are displaying the amazing ability innate to all Japanese women- the power to accessorize, in this case with a purse and live fur ornamentation.

I really love matsuri festivals.

These shoes are “jika tabi.” Rivaling the croc as the ugliest shoe to hit the big time, it`s a favorite for anyone not wanting to slip. Used by fishermen, rickshaw pullers (drivers? ) and matsuri participants, this shoe is the ultimate spidey shoe.

Afraid of these two who were much more serious than the rest of the revelers, I opted for  the fanny pac sneak shot.

Many ExPats like to take up traditional drumming. Not the best strategy for befriending the neighbors. Probably fewer sounds are worse than bad taiko drumming. (maybe Offspring #1`s brief flirtation with the trumpet would get in the neighborhood. And I mean that in the nicest way.)

Matsuri`s happen during the spring and fall. Truly a place to see a lot of happy people in one place. For great pics of matsuris, take a peak at Tokyobling`s blog here.

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Ishigaki Island, Okinawa Japan- Add It To Your Bucket List

Posted on August 24, 2012 by Emily Cannell

It was turning out to be the typical Clampitt vacation. A perfect storm of sorts. We boarded a plane headed 3 hours south toward Okinawa, then another 45 minutes further south to Ishigaki Island. So did several right-wing activists ready to raise flags on the disputed islands of Takeshima. Two typhoons headed up from the south just in case one decided to veer off course thereby missing a rendezvous with our vacation.

The forecast for our vacation looked liked reading and tv.

Our Pokemon plane raced Hello Kitty down the tarmac. No amount of fire or water Pokemon can stop the Kitty when she`s got places to go and people to see. She shook us like Kitty Litter.

Always bet on the cat

Elation, surprise, a warm and tingly feeling in my wallet area were just some of the emotions I felt upon seeing sunny skies as we closed in on Ishigaki Island.

Volcanic islands dotting the path toward Ishigaki Island from Okinawa. All surrounded by shallow coral reefs dropping off toward deep ocean giving rise to some of the best diving in Asia.

Question for the audience-

Q) What happened when the Clampitt family arrived at the hotel with sunny skies and the potential of rain for the remainder of the vacation?

A) It divided the family along a natural schism. Activity level. The adrenaline junkies vs. the Zen masters.

Offspring #1 and I hit the water still clothed while Spouse and Offspring #2 rushed to the beach, turned the rotisserie to “on” and started a long, slow roast.

Spouse and Offspring #2`s Perspective of Ishigaki Island:

Photo- OS#2

Photo OS#2

Ouisar-san and Offspring #1`s view of Ishigaki Island:

My hair stands on end even underwater

Image Wikipedia
Ishigaki Island is famous for “Manta City”. A manta ray cleaning station. Mantas 10`-15` in width glide through, gills open, while remoras and other fish clean their gills and skin.

Ishigaki Island and Okinawa are riddled with snakes. We saw several sea snakes- most yellow and black.

It wouldn`t have been a family vacation without a few enforced family activities.

Fishing.

Offspring #2 won the fishing derby. Unlike fishing we Clampitts have done, this was very, hmmm, efficient. The blue bottle was filled with small fish, then several hooks were placed along the line below. The fish then swarm the bait bottle in a feeding frenzy. Once the fisherperson feels a nudge- yank. Offspring #2 was able to pull ahead in the derby by catching multiple fish in one cast. The captain made the game more entertaining by subtracting points for small fish. He`s lucky there wasn`t a mutiny whereby he became the next thing used for bait.

This fisherman was thrilled at the amount of fish the Clampitts were pulling in. Apparently the activist made it over to the Takeshima islands by paying fisherman $4,500 per trip to ferry them over. That didn`t include landing privileges as there was still a fair amount of swimming involved. Or so my sources tell me.

Snorkeling the caves surrounding the island.

One swam between OS#1`s legs. I love a good snake encounter.

Snorkeling through in 4 feet of water one can see cracks in the rock where the depth drops to 50-80 feet. Huge fish swim along the bottom.

Ishigaki is home to some of the world`s most exotic soft corals. This doesn`t happen to be one of them.

My new screen saver.

One of the 7 Lucky Gods of Japan, Ebisu, who holds a fish, must have decided we needed a break. And not the kind that has sidelined OS#1 for the Fall sports season and involves a hip. Both typhoons hit China, the activists which have since launched the international incident between Japan and South Korea didn`t make it down until we left, and the sun beat down mercilessly throughout our visit.

Which might explain why there aren`t any pictures of Ishigaki Island. We spent all our time in the water.

Ishigaki Island- add it to your bucket list.

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Will Wearing a Ski Mask Help Ouisar-San Avoid Another Cultural Faux Pas?

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Emily Cannell

The Clampitt Clan has returned from the annual family vacation and I find myself in an awkward, and long-lasting, position.

I am the center of attention.

When I board a train, all the ladies look me over from head to toe, purse their lips, elongate their necks as they exhale their breath in exasperation and surprise, and covertly attempt to whisper shocked exclamations of horror behind waving fans to the closest friend.

Is it my star-spangled afro?

My broken Japanese?

Boyfriend jeans I`m too old to wear?
No- none of the above. It is….

I have a tan.

GASP.

A deep, dark, coconut colored hue to the skin. I can`t help myself. I grew up in the 70`s.  Malibu Barbie was my primary influence. She and Ken drove their purple Dune Buggy all over my sand box. If I could have changed my name to Susan, lemon juice would have colored my black hair blonde, and I was able to sleep on the coke cans I rolled in my hair to straighten it, my transformation would have been complete.

A tan. Anathema to a Japanese person.

I know this to be fact based on one discussion with an expert. My dermatologist. He enlightened me on the topic of skin concerns by background. Western women tend to be worried about lines while Asian women draw the line on age spots. Just so you know, my visit was for neither. A gaggle of excited, elderly Japanese women recently accosted me demanding an autograph. They were confused by my mustache, mistaking me for Tom Selleck.

The good doctor was an expert in laser hair removal.

I should have known sunning was an issue- the signs were there.

Exhibit A: Umbrellas used rain or shine.

Exhibit B: Umbrellas on Bikes- in the sun

In a culture where millions ride bikes every day, this just seemed to be the evolution of the car visor.

Exhibit C: But there is a biking visor.

Worn over the face. 100% UV protection. 100% bug protection.

Exhibit D: Cab drivers wear these- and not to check for dust.

Exhibit E: If one is wearing short sleeves, wear these:

Exhibit F: Even driving, one is not safe from the damaging impact of the sun. Shoulder length gloves and the visor protect just in case. As with all photos taken when in stealth mode, they are grainy, blurry, and meant to be delivered in a manilla envelope without a return address.

 Andretti-san pulled along side these people, slowed down until my cell phone actually fired the picture, and then screeched off before they had a chance to call the po po. He`s very talented as this is difficult in bumper to bumper traffic.

Exhibit G: During our first trip to the beach I realized that people are truly serious about  sun protection. Daily temperatures were similar to those on Mercury at this time of year yet people wore sweatshirts with hoodies drawn both in and out of the water.

However, according to Dan Levin for the New York Times, no one is as militant about sun protection as the Chinese. He outlines the new look certain beach goers are sporting in his article, “Beach Essentials in China: Flip-Flops, a Towel and a Ski Mask.” Read Article- and see other pictures HERE.

New York Times, August 4, 2012, Dan Levin

Reminds me of the time my sisters and their husbands went fishing and were told to meet the fisherman at the dock. Upon arrival, there was one boat bobbing in the marina. Sitting in the boat waiting was a lone man, holding a machete and wearing a stocking pulled over his head. Wouldn`t you be afraid to share space with that? On the flip side, imagine the fun one could have scaring all the kids popping out of the water unannounced while wearing one of these Chinese neoprene masks….

In the end, yet again, this experience has left it`s mark. My diet has changed and exercise a firm commitment as every day I watch people 85 to 90 years old walk to the grocery store and carry bags home.  70 year olds pass me hiking up Mt. Takao. There is no way to tell the age of a Japanese woman unless you know the age of her children and the age at which she got married. From 20 to 40 and 40 to 75- people could be any age. Plastic surgery, botox, and fillers are not popular in this society. Just a healthy life style.

Damn it.

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If It Can`t be Snowboarded, the Clampitts Don`t Go, But…..

Posted on August 5, 2012 by Emily Cannell

others do. This post is brought to you by a number of others. Namely Apple and one of my latest favorite blogs Rocket News 24.

During one of my weekly trips to the Apple store to replace various shattered Iphone screens, I actually stopped to look at the stunning picture for the Mac Book Pro. Certainly some of you have seen it….

I then “hurumphed” my way upstairs certain that the blue water had been enhanced professionally by Instagram or some other ubiquitous program used on Facebook. Perhaps one of the many I used to make myself impersonate a supermodel in the summer beach pics. So digitally enhanced I`m no longer recognizable as myself but could be a stunt double for any number of Hollywood brunettes. (I will post them on Facebook so those who haven`t seen me in a long time will think I finally moved out of my awkward phase- Naaaa- just kidding)

Anyway, one day by the plastic pool in the back yard I happened to be catching up with one of my favorite Japanese blogs- Rocket News 24. Written by a group of hip Japanese twenty-somethings. They explain all sorts of interesting Asian related pop culture topics. Some not G rated just so you know. In it, I find that this beautiful scene is not only authentic, it is located in Biei, Hokkaido Japan. One of our favorite snowboarding locations. We`ll never see it because there`s no snowboarding in this particular part of Hokkaido, but- they sent a “roving reporter” up to check on the actual blueness of the water.

Here`s what Masterblaster from RocketNews 24 found out:

View Here

View the original photo (and download as wallpaper) taken by photographer Kent Shiraishi and submitted to National Geographic here.

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