The nuclear power plant deemed fully non-functional, the French have been brought in to decommission the leaking source of the daily Japacolpyse rumors, a process residents have been informed will take several months. I, becoming more green and Gumby-like with every report of a radiation level, have chosen a proactive approach to all possible scenarios being a firm believer in Abraham Lincoln’s approach,”If I had 8 hours a day to cut down a tree, I’d spend 6 hours sharpening my axe.”
My first stop was the American Embassy for Iodine tablets. For my maiden voyage in to an embassy I had various image capturing devices handy to document this exciting trek to the amazing Mecca for Visas, notarized documents, updated Passports, and marriage licenses. I knew when I was close due to guards posted in 100 yard increments within a mile of the compound. No doubt several high-tech surveillance systems coordinated operations simultaneously in order to protect the embassy, however, I noticed this operative immediately, surreptitiously washing the windows, spying on me as I watched him.
I approached the first check point where the Japanese guard demanded a viewing of my passport and a declaration of my intended purpose with the embassy. All business.
The second checkpoint. A much smaller, much older Japanese guard smiled warmly as I approached. The hairs on my arms stood on end. Both a suspicious and un-Japanese approach.
“Hello- how are you?” Just exactly why was the embassy hiring diminutive, retired Japanese men to guard the compound? Where were all the buffed Navy Seals?
I answered in Japanese to throw him off as I took measure of this unusual circumstance. Most Americans don’t speak a word.
“Ginki des.” He was smiling but his eyes weren’t.
I knew it! It all made sense. Who needs Navy Seals when Ninja are available for protection? One wrong move and I’d be impaled by hundreds of Ninja stars. I looked around. I saw three other guards- all his age, his build, smiling at me- seemingly decrepit and harmless, all of whom in half a second, after a series of elaborate flips and leaps would have me on the ground, hog tied if I made any sudden, illogical movements. Better not to take out my camera. Or my cell phone- if one of them thought I was about to detonate, they’d all be on me.
He ushered me in the first screening area where I tripped the alarms before I set foot in the machine. That catapulted several Ninja in motion. Ninja #1 got out the wand. As he wanded all 20 brass buttons on my pea coat, watch, and bra straps, I surveyed the ceiling for hidden compartments where these wily devils prefer to hide. I saw at least two areas where trap doors were probably located. One signal from my captors, the trap doors would swing open and more Ninjas would swarm the screening area. I started to sweat.
Wait- I was only here for Iodine tablets. When you’re just a housewife the imagination just takes you away doesn’t it?
They confiscated my phone and camera. They knew all the secret hiding spots in a ladie’s hand bag, those damn Ninja. On to screening point #2. The Black Ninja never tire of playing cat and mouse with their prey. They wanded me yet again before allowing me in to the area with the government bureaucrats.
For the 15th time, I showed my passport to the 3, twelve year- old government employees dressed in their father’s suits working the iodine desk, signed a waiver, agreed not to take the poisonous tabs, so help me God, and got these:
I don’t know, maybe my expectations were high, however, I expected a bottle, not enough for a week. We do live here. This made me think that perhaps additional measures should be taken in the form of protecting the Clampitts just in the off-chance that something BAD were to happen. Something that might impact a body part other than the thyroid gland. Doesn’t radiation cause burns? I left the embassy contemplating other forms of protection. And I don’t mean this:
“Necessity is the Mother of Invention.” I was forced to find other ways, some non- government approved, to protect ourselves from potential nuclear fall out.
For instance, I read that in “hazardous areas,” people were encouraged to stay inside, turn off the heat, and close the windows. If venturing outside was necessary, one should cover all exposed skin and wear a mask. Luckily I found a figure flattering HazMat suit which enabled full range of motion. Spouse tried it on at the store:
I also believe one must protect one’s existing health in order to allow natural defenses to work effectively in a hostile environment. One of the mysteries of Japanese tv are the commercials. There are three items advertised, Proactive- with celebrity endorsements from Avril Lavigne and Justin Bieber, who claims the acne on his chin is from a microphone. Oh to be so lucky. Justin, I to suffer from acne on my chin, and it’s cause is hormonally related, as I suspect is yours, however in my case it’s due to menopause. Oops- sorry- did I expose my fangs? The second item is a GPS system sold by three newscasters, and the third, for varying conditions are herbal supplements. One of these supplements makes claims of being a panacea not only for weight loss, which every pill should claim as a benefit or side effect, but as an overall immunity booster. In these uncertain times, an immunity booster sounds like an ideal choice in the armamentarium against nuclear annihilation. I chose this one for several reasons.
First- it certainly looks like it undergoes a scientific process.
And next it’s made from natural ingredients. Sold.
What’s the worst that can happen? Ouiser will just make herself look like a: