Moving teenagers- are you up to it?
Are you willing to stick your head inside the mouth of a Great White Shark?
Would you let a rabid dog chew on your ear for days at a time?
Are you the resilient stuff of teflon against a Jewish/Catholic mother`s parenting technique combining guilt and pasta to influence your behavior?
Do you crumble in the face of crying-? Your own or others…
A parent approaching teenagers with a move- and I`d recommend this be done with two parents even if that means borrowing one in the case of a single parent household- must at a minimum be able to fend off a constant barrage of barbs, withstand the onslaught of guilt inducing comments designed to cause you or your spouse to wither in regret, or weather endless periods of silence punctuated with brief interludes of weeping and gnashing of teeth.
For several months.
Some of you may think this is usual and customary behavior for a teenager- which it is- however announcing a move to a teenager has the same effect as pouring gas on the fire. Spouse and I are thrill seekers, addicted to adrenaline spurred on by the roar of teenaged angst, therefore we like to pull the rug out from under our kids every two years to keep them flexible. A valuable life skill.
Our intended move to Canada was greeted with the sort of enthusiasm usually exhibited by an angry mob carrying torches and wooden stakes. Not that Canada was such a bad place- Heaven would have met the same resistance. Poor Spouse was stuck between a mob and a hard place- the menacing teenagers or a snarky Ouisar- san facing the prospect of a dull life back home. The fire toting mob was more appealing.
But oh Grasshoppers, Spouse and I have been down this road before and have learned a few tricks along the way. In addition to bribery:
we have learned a new skill. A sort of slow, persistent, mind control which takes some time and patience. Indoctrination. A technique effectively used by cult leaders uniquely adapted by the Clampitts to suit our needs. Spouse and I decided a two-week driving tour through Western Canada would fit with this super soaker approach.
18 driving hours and 14 days of good quality family time learning about our new home.
Only the truly courageous would undertake this sort of trip with two brooding teens.
hypnosis trip started in Vancouver BC. My sister, the Nose, suggested some of her favorites which were dismissed immediately. She drags toddlers to the Jimmy Carter museum in Atlanta and has been known to wait outside the LBJ Library in a tent to be the first inside. Although something like that would have garnered a grand reaction from the offspring, we were looking for something a little more gut grabbing.
The Capilano Suspension bridge looked to be a great starting point. We could either throw ourselves or them over the edge if the first leg of our
indoctrination process journey wasn`t going as planned. 230 feet above and 470 feet across the Capilano river, the bridge creaks and sways, or leaps up and down if my jack ass son is trying to bounce Spouse and me off the bridge. We welcomed the help over the side.
Jumping seemed appropriate for several reasons. At the top of the list was Offspring #1`s nice, new and shiny Learner`s Permit for driving. For this reason I brought along a substantial amount of valium reserved for the adult sitting up front. Spouse and I fought over the death seat for two solid weeks- a scary location even after consuming tightly controlled prescription medications. The suspension bridge could end all that.
I knew we had reached an all time low when OS #2 complained about the scenery. In retrospect, it was truly awful.
I found myself begging , “Please make it go away. I can`t take it anymore! I want to be in a big dirty city back home! Bring me my red glitter shoes!”