Please add the following miscellaneous agenda items to our next meeting for discussion:
1) Thanks to all of you for the concern regarding my mother who is resting comfortably after her recent brush with death.
My mother, whom many know as Big Patti, recently stared down the cowl of the grim reaper and lived to tell the tale. The sickle bearing haunt stood next to the BFF of Granddaughter #3 as she knocked on the door with a gift of Sea Monkeys freshly emerged in water and ready to grow, lovingly wrapped in paper Dixie cups.
Big Patti, playing right in to the skeletal hands of the Gruesome One, somehow heard, “Here’s some lemonade for you” instead of “Here’s a birthday present of Sea Monkeys for Shrimpus Amelius.” Shrimpus, her elf like ears and interest peaked somewhere in the depths of the house when “Sea Monkeys” was chirped by a familiar voice in the doorway, also heard “Why thank you for the lemonade” and in a flash of understanding yelled sprinting toward the door,” Grandmama- DON’T drink the Sea Monkeys! They might be poisonous!”
Shrimpus skidded to a stop which coincided with the world abruptly slowing on its axis. All sound ceased to exist, the glacial motion of Grandmama’s hand bringing the cup to her thin lips; Shrimpus’ reaching movement was agonizingly slow, too late to prevent the dastardly plan already set in motion by the silent specter watching in amusement. The girls gagged as the Geezer guzzled the goo down her glistening gullet. Shrimpus clawed at the air for she knew two truths- the Heimlich would be useless on Sea Monkeys and her cantankerous Grandmother was lost. The BFF was pissed her Sea Monkeys had been wasted. The Grim Reaper nodded his cowl in acknowledgement of another successful day and turned to leave in triumph.
Then- Grandmama regained her sanity and with lightening speed and cat-like agility, spat the Sea Monkey laden infiltrate all over the front porch, followed by a spraying of the girls with a second coughing spurt for good measure. GLORY BE! But- had she ingested any poisonous Sea Monkeys? What if some swam in to her gastrointestinal track and took up residence? Were they like tape worms? Robbing the body of all nutrition until they finally grow so large they- well- find an exit point somewhere south of the entry point?
Grandmama called the Tourist’s cell phone.
“It’s your mama. I just drank Sea Monkeys. What’s the number for the Poison Control Center.”
There are so many issues with the above sentence the Tourist did what any other daughter would do in a similar situation- pulled the car over and had a good belly laugh. Grandmama hung up disgusted by the sounds of her youngest daughter in tears- of laughter- at the obituary heading, ” Goodbye to Our Dear Mother, Cause of Death- Sea Monkey Overdose.”
Which was followed soon after by the following call,”
“Poison control? I just drank Sea Monkeys- are they poisonous?” That’s one to pass on to a favorite co-worker.
Big Patti is convalescing at the Tourist’s house. She’ll be visiting in June where I’m sure more hilarity will follow as I’ll innocently feed her many Japanese delicacy’s only available at Tsukiji fish market.
2) The Tasmanian Bloodhound is On the Lam–
Since the earthquake, there are a few new readers, so let me back up for a minute to explain the presence of a regularly appearing member of the Mama Cheri riding gang currently wreaking havoc in the hood- the Tasmanian Bloodhound- so named due to her exuberant nature and unmatched penchant for sniffing out unique and entertaining adventures in Japan. And I want to be just like her. Except for right now- because due to recent events her current whereabouts are listed as “Unknown” on the wanted posters. The Tasmanian Bloodhound has been the subject of much complaining in the Hood due to the high decibel rating assigned to her abode. Let’s just say, some members of her clan are cut from the same cloth.
Not long ago, TB made the long descent to the basement where upon arrival, realized that her car keys were not on her person. Although usually a fairly sane woman, she dropped the bomb a few times- the one that starts with an f and ends in the letter between j and l. Perhaps over and over and with force. Maybe not under her breath. Of course this is all here say as I’ve definitely NOT seen or talked to her. As she stomped through the basement doing her best imitation of Blackbeard, a Japanese family with several small children listened in awe at her cunning command of the english language, absorbing her masterful use of such a word which could be used as a verb, an adjective, and a noun, but who still felt compelled to complain to the management company of our building. Who in turn were not amused that Tb had taught a small group of Japanese children such eloquent use of the king’s english. TB got another phone call as she was an exact match to the cussing American hooligan in the basement. So distressed was this native family that the building has been taken over by such an unsavory foreign element, they immediately gave 30 days notice and moved out. TB’s currently on the run- her family relegated to bad school lunches and Bento box take outs.
As I’ve said many times when referring to my homeys, hide your children, hang on to your fanny pack, we’re a bad bunch.
3) I’m a Guest Lecturer…Have Stranger Things Happened?
In a show of bad judgement, my friend Olga at “Olgaselfexpression” in Russia has elected to singlehandedly crucify her blog with the publication of the guest post she invited me to write on Japan. Read HERE. She has a wonderful blog site dedicated to second language learners, travel lovers, and story tellers. Olga has great insight for those trying to learn a new language. Now if anyone Googles my name, a picture will show up of me after hiking straight up for several hours, sans make up, with hat head after being attacked and bitten repeatedly by a juvenile snow monkey. Ok- just bitten.
Now I’m off to buy Haz Mat suits for all at Don Quixote- only $15 US….Then my Emergency Kit is finally complete.
LOL re: drinking sea monkey’s! I’m sure poison control has seen/heard it all!
And you my dear…..if i didint click on Olga’s blog and see your pretty face, I would swear you were a bonafide badass in the above pic! I’ve never seen anyone wearing a fanny pack with more ‘tude! The female version of FONZI with a fanny pack (Femzi? Fanzi? FemFanzi) You rocked that fanny pack, momma!
Gotta keep the neighborhood in check LLLL- you know how that is…. as you’ve got quite a brood going ready to take over one soon.
Hahahaha. The sea monkey bit is too much. I’m going to feel this belly laugh jiggling for DAYS.
Honestly, every time I think about, I get to laughing again… I’ve yet to interview Shrimpus directly- The Tourist is still guarding her closely- but I really want more of a first hand account from her perspective which will lead to more guffawing and coffee spewing during my morning Skype sessions….
I cannot believe you keep getting funnier…as the geezer guzzled the goo down her glistening gullet…truly rolling on the floor!
Actually, it’s my family getting crazier- or maybe me just weaving their antics in to my blog as sort of a pressure release….. I live this….This is why Spouse has plans to enclose me in a larged fenced enclosure with a house in the center, allowing people in but not me out when I hit a certain age- this is all genetic.
That Sea Monkey story was the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG TIME. Cause of death: Sea Monkey overdose. CLASSIC!!! 🙂
Really- just WHAT are they? We’ve all had them….
This is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a while! Your poor mom!! I am rolling over this one!!
At least she also thought it was funny….
Nice photo of you and your bike. Maybe a bandanna and some CAT boots (you’ve already got the leather jacket) would have gone well with that scowl! 😉
Makes me remember that tattoos are a big no-no here. Must always have them covered or one does not get admittance anywhere….I’ll be modeling dressed as “Hello Kiddy” in my next segment.
LOL. I have a feeling the Grim Reaper would have failed anyway because he would have been laughing too hard.
I mean really- you just can’t make this up….
Emily, how precisely you described what my site is dedicated to! I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and failed to find the right words. I wonder if I can use your words as a site mission statement or somewhere else? 😉
Admire your command of words. And you do look great even without makeup.
Of course- feel free to use that for your mission statement. And thanks!!!!
Thanks for my afternoon giggle, amblerangel! Funny stuff!
Thanks for stopping by Writerwoman61- writing this down and having other people laugh makes it much easier to live with these crazy people. I am a changeling and am definitely not one of them…
I was crying so hard from laughing. Hahahaha, oh man. The grim reaper is hilarious. So THAT’s your Mama Cheri! You’re very gorgeous, by the way. The marine food offered at the Japanese fish markets looks…interesting (I’m mostly referring to the bright yellow slug-like looking creatures). Have you tried any of it yet? Okay, popping on over to Olga’s blog now!
Michi- there’s only one place I draw the line on food- it’s here- otherwise- I’ll pretty much eat just about anything. I’m from the South- where we eat like the Japanese- nothing goes to waste! http://wp.me/p14vOu-B
I once drank a glass of water that had moments before housed a bouquet of my daughter’s daffodils. It was nasty. If sea monkey water had been available, I’d have tried that too.
Agh!!I agree- I bet the Sea Monkeys are odorless whereas the daffodil water? Maybe not…
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Thanks Salina! Right above the Twitter Feed you should a button that allows you to subscribe….
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