The nuclear power plant deemed fully non-functional, the French have been brought in to decommission the leaking source of the daily Japacolpyse rumors, a process residents have been informed will take several months. I, becoming more green and Gumby-like with every report of a radiation level, have chosen a proactive approach to all possible scenarios being a firm believer in Abraham Lincoln’s approach,”If I had 8 hours a day to cut down a tree, I’d spend 6 hours sharpening my axe.”
My first stop was the American Embassy for Iodine tablets. For my maiden voyage in to an embassy I had various image capturing devices handy to document this exciting trek to the amazing Mecca for Visas, notarized documents, updated Passports, and marriage licenses. I knew when I was close due to guards posted in 100 yard increments within a mile of the compound. No doubt several high-tech surveillance systems coordinated operations simultaneously in order to protect the embassy, however, I noticed this operative immediately, surreptitiously washing the windows, spying on me as I watched him.
I approached the first check point where the Japanese guard demanded a viewing of my passport and a declaration of my intended purpose with the embassy. All business.
The second checkpoint. A much smaller, much older Japanese guard smiled warmly as I approached. The hairs on my arms stood on end. Both a suspicious and un-Japanese approach.
“Hello- how are you?” Just exactly why was the embassy hiring diminutive, retired Japanese men to guard the compound? Where were all the buffed Navy Seals?
I answered in Japanese to throw him off as I took measure of this unusual circumstance. Most Americans don’t speak a word.
“Ginki des.” He was smiling but his eyes weren’t.
A NINJA!
I knew it! It all made sense. Who needs Navy Seals when Ninja are available for protection? One wrong move and I’d be impaled by hundreds of Ninja stars. I looked around. I saw three other guards- all his age, his build, smiling at me- seemingly decrepit and harmless, all of whom in half a second, after a series of elaborate flips and leaps would have me on the ground, hog tied if I made any sudden, illogical movements. Better not to take out my camera. Or my cell phone- if one of them thought I was about to detonate, they’d all be on me.
He ushered me in the first screening area where I tripped the alarms before I set foot in the machine. That catapulted several Ninja in motion. Ninja #1 got out the wand. As he wanded all 20 brass buttons on my pea coat, watch, and bra straps, I surveyed the ceiling for hidden compartments where these wily devils prefer to hide. I saw at least two areas where trap doors were probably located. One signal from my captors, the trap doors would swing open and more Ninjas would swarm the screening area. I started to sweat.
Wait- I was only here for Iodine tablets. When you’re just a housewife the imagination just takes you away doesn’t it?
They confiscated my phone and camera. They knew all the secret hiding spots in a ladie’s hand bag, those damn Ninja. On to screening point #2. The Black Ninja never tire of playing cat and mouse with their prey. They wanded me yet again before allowing me in to the area with the government bureaucrats.
For the 15th time, I showed my passport to the 3, twelve year- old government employees dressed in their father’s suits working the iodine desk, signed a waiver, agreed not to take the poisonous tabs, so help me God, and got these:
I don’t know, maybe my expectations were high, however, I expected a bottle, not enough for a week. We do live here. This made me think that perhaps additional measures should be taken in the form of protecting the Clampitts just in the off-chance that something BAD were to happen. Something that might impact a body part other than the thyroid gland. Doesn’t radiation cause burns? I left the embassy contemplating other forms of protection. And I don’t mean this:
“Necessity is the Mother of Invention.” I was forced to find other ways, some non- government approved, to protect ourselves from potential nuclear fall out.
For instance, I read that in “hazardous areas,” people were encouraged to stay inside, turn off the heat, and close the windows. If venturing outside was necessary, one should cover all exposed skin and wear a mask. Luckily I found a figure flattering HazMat suit which enabled full range of motion. Spouse tried it on at the store:
I also believe one must protect one’s existing health in order to allow natural defenses to work effectively in a hostile environment. One of the mysteries of Japanese tv are the commercials. There are three items advertised, Proactive- with celebrity endorsements from Avril Lavigne and Justin Bieber, who claims the acne on his chin is from a microphone. Oh to be so lucky. Justin, I to suffer from acne on my chin, and it’s cause is hormonally related, as I suspect is yours, however in my case it’s due to menopause. Oops- sorry- did I expose my fangs? The second item is a GPS system sold by three newscasters, and the third, for varying conditions are herbal supplements. One of these supplements makes claims of being a panacea not only for weight loss, which every pill should claim as a benefit or side effect, but as an overall immunity booster. In these uncertain times, an immunity booster sounds like an ideal choice in the armamentarium against nuclear annihilation. I chose this one for several reasons.
First- it certainly looks like it undergoes a scientific process.
And next it’s made from natural ingredients. Sold.
What’s the worst that can happen? Ouiser will just make herself look like a:
Hey from Japan- or wherever the moving van arrives- Emily Cannell 
😀
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I don’t trust the window washer either…. Better to be safe than sorry (which may or may not be the slogan for Condomania).
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hahahah! They used to have a great window display- I was disappointed it was down for this picture. I guess you don’t need a “catchy” slogan if you’ve got a store named Condomania?
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Good to know you’ve got things under control. Think you could begin stock-piling those tablets for us, also–just in case we EVER get there! Ha, Ha!
By the way, I’ll never forget arriving at Narita during the height of the swine flu epidemic and Japanese quarantine officials entering the plane in haz-mat (sp?) gear to to take the temperature of every single person on the the plane–a 747, of course. That’s when I knew the Japanese took their germs with Ninja-like seriousness! I’d expect them to take radiation with equal degrees of caution.
Looking forward to you Lexington visit!
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The thought of that is so funny! Now, you walk through an area in the airport upon arrival that automatically takes your temperature and pulls you out of line for quarantine if it’s above normal. I’ve not seen that anywhere else. You?
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LOL You do seem to have a thing for buffed Navy Seals! Those Japanese Ninjas in your photos just don’t compare . . .
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Actually it is a friend of mine who CONSTANTLY fantasizes about being rescued by them after somehow being thrown overboard. We’ve teased her mercilessly for years and now, somehow, they crop up in my blog constantly. Go figure.
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I understand you expected to receive something more but you know what? Iodine is not as safe as thet say it is. Of course, it combines hemoglobine with an ordinary iodine to protect such event with radioactive compound. So use it only when you have to.
The same is about Lugol’s iodine, today the composition of it is other as it used to be.
Have a nice day 🙂
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I know- I actually don’t expect to have to take them at all. They’re in the earthquake back pack “In case of Emergency”!
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LMAO! The “Haz-mat” suit appears to be a full body condom! 🙂
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I could not get Offspring #2 to take any of the pictures I’d envisioned around that haz mat suit. Those teenagers are so concerned with what strangers think….They would have been so funny. Oh well.
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Your comment about Justin Beaver (yes, that is what he should be called) made me laugh aloud. So, you went through ALL that, just to get those little tablets? Must have been a rather big anticlimax…
I vote for the HazMaz suit…I want one to ride the underground and freak the commuters, plus, I won’t pick up any of their germs…
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Can you believe? All that for 7 tablets…. Well- who knows. Better than nothing. Of course, they wouldn’t give me Spouses- and there’s no way he’s making the voyage in to ge them. I guess I’ll have to share.
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Thank you for updating. I love reading the day to day that is really going on there. There is so much misinformation and your blog is a grounding force.
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You are so right- I’ve gotten so frustrated with what I read vs what I see around me. Thanks for reading and I hope I can continue to be informative and entertaining!
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Hahaha! Those devious Japanese Ninjas… they’ll get you every time!
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I’m not equipped to deal with Ninja- yet.
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Glad you’re still safe and sound. The radiation danger would be driving me nuts too. Can’t feel or smell it coming to get you. Glad they have outside sources to close down the damaged reactors.
Stay safe…Well of course you will you have helper Ninja’s
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Thanks Bob! It’s not Winnipeg but it’s home…
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I love you blog and have been following you a while now. Glad you are protected ! Does this mean that you have to return in 7 days for another supply? I wonder how long that will take you!
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Thanks Whatever comes my Way! I have no idea as the answer to that question. I’m guessing that under those circumstances we would be hightailing it out and that the waiting line at the embassy would be longer than 7 days to get more tablets! I actually doubt we’ll be taking them truth be told.
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If only my trips to the Embassy were just as entertaining!! 🙂
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Don’t you have Conquistadors there?
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Yeah, those are extinct, along with any sort of Spanish chivalry. Not sure if you have FB, but if you do, look up the video “That’s Spain amigos!” by Brian Semmens. It’s HILARIOUS!
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I know- actually Ninjas are too- which I didn’t know until we moved here. I’ll look up the video- I don’t know how it could be funnier thuan your post on Spanish cussing….
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Hilarious! Ninjas hiding in secret rooms within the security area of the Embassy, I love your entertaining writing style! You write in such an entertaining way and still keep us informed on the re-start of the life in Japan after the disaster. Keep those stories coming 🙂
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Emiel- it could be that I’m now living in a full time fantasy. Spouse is keeping a close eye on me and the Offspring are mildly entertained.
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Good thing that you were at least one step ahead of those Ninjas all the time!
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Offspring #1 has made me think ahead.
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Hi, I live right next door to the Ninja Embassy and trust me, getting past the guy in the box just outside the Embassy is no easy task. I remember when we came on our look see, we tried to walk right by him, he was having none of it. He asked “visa”? I wanted to answer American Express actually. There is no way you are allowed to walk on that side of the road unless you are an American citizen and/or you have documentary evidence that you have business there, so mean!
So annoying that it is my neighbourhood and yet I cannot walk on that side of the street!
As always, a very humorous posting, thanks for “radiating” happiness!!
Angela
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Hahah- Don’t you hate it when you just have to walk on THAT side of the street and you can’t!!! Interesting! You must look devilish Angela.
I was also interested that although the embassy was supposed to be very busy that day, I actually got in and out very quickly.
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stay safe
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Roger on that!
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