Is My Muffin Top More Deadly Than Radiation?

Another day spent in Hawaii, jumping from one hazardous activity to the next entertaining the urchins, the ultimate goal being to “ride em hard and put em away wet.”  Unfortunately, Spouse and I are the only two who suffer during these daily doses of extreme activity, he limping with sore hamstrings and I handicapped from a severe case of mental anguish. On this day, fishing populated the agenda.

Following our usual pattern of overly planned exuberance, we had the marine encounter outlined and mapped, then the captain of the enterprise unexpectedly, and I think maliciously protecting his spot, baled, leaving us without access to the secret fishing hole. No matter, the first mate, Luscious Lawyer, the sister-in-law destined to dazzle the courtroom with intellect, wit and killing looks, stepped in with a guaranteed second best. It took two cars to get us and our gear to the hallowed ground. Two hours later, Spouse hauled in the first big catch of the day:

Knowing that radiation is dousing the coast of California according to certain media, I was certain this fish needed to be checked.

“Spouse- don’t touch that fish with your bare hands until I check it with my portable Geiger counter.”

Really, one can’t be too careful. If this fish were to be dinner, and clearly feeding 6 would be no problem if I concentrated hard on the blessing, it couldn’t be of the radioactive variety. Recklessly serving the family a glowing fish which emitted cesium or iodine would most certainly top a rapidly growing list of transgressions the Offspring are keeping for future therapy sessions. .001 microsieverts- well within the limits of edible given we get at least .29 per year from all of our food. If we were to eat 30 of him per day, for 10 years, we’d still not have an increased risk of thyroid cancer. Humm- better throw him back anyway. Can’t be too careful now a days.

This of course gets me thinking of the tainted spinach and milk in Japan. The good news is that I can use radiation as the excuse for removing them permanently from the Clampitt menu. In fact, I’m resurrecting old habits when all shopping was done in the center of the store- where the packaged, fully hydrogenated, and saturated fat filled items are located. No more fresh, hard to cook and even harder to flavor items. Our vegetable sides will now be potatoes – as in potato chips.

Now that I think about it, these damn fresh vegetables and fruits have probably done the Clampitts more harm than good anyway. The Tasmanian Bloodhound, to whom I worship and want to be just like, really prefers organic produce. She tipped me off to the fact that radiated fruits and vegetables should be chosen similarly to organics- choose the ones with skin- oranges, melons etc. The pesticides- and radioactive materials- settle on the leaves and outer coverings of the produce. At least in the beginning. This is cause for much more concern to me than radiation- the last time I washed a vegetable was after the strawberry E.Coli scare of ’09. In theory, the Clampitts have ingested enough pesticides to mimic the embalming process.

Of course mixing all of this new-found information together produces a disaster stew promising an abbreviated life. Eating only packaged and shrink wrapped products will invite the pesky belly fat that will increasingly cling to my already expanding center portion. The “experts” are countering the histrionic media with claims it would take eating two pounds of radiated spinach every day for a year to hit levels worth measuring. No worries there. Who eats spinach? Really? Further, drinking the tainted milk for a year contains as much radiation as having a CT scan. Now I’m worried about the number of Xrays Offspring #1 has had.  (It might still be cost-effective for us to go ahead and buy one for the living room.) Between the Xrays, the pesticides, and the increased body fat he’ll ingest as a result of the new diet, he’ll be a medical disaster by the age of 89. I, on the other hand, at my advanced age of 46, perimenopausal, with a BMI creeping ever closer to above the limit, am now at risk of heart disease- the number one killer of women in the US. There are real percentages attached to that.

In 2006, 423,709 women in the US died from Heart Disease, 269,819 from all forms of Cancer combined. Of those Cancer deaths, 40,821 were from Breast Cancer and 69,385 from Lung. (American Heart Association)

Which is worse, radiation or belly fat?

Doesn’t it always go back to those dreaded words, “Diet and exercise.” Damn it.

But it’s so much easier to push away from the radiated spinach than the table.

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27 Responses to Is My Muffin Top More Deadly Than Radiation?

  1. paul says:

    With regard to your question re Belly Fat or Radiation. Radiation is the way to go if you wish to be seen in the dark. As for Belly Fat, it can most definately get you noticed
    during the day, wether you want to be or not. I believe that spinach is realy good for you so long as it is on someone elses plate. Looking at the fish you made your spouse throw back, maybe with a little radiation and a couple of hooks inserted, perhaps spouse could have caught a bigger fish for you! I do like your sense of humour!

    Like

  2. Thanks for the laugh! You’ve got some really “weighty” decisions to make!

    I’m just wondering, but besides having an embalming effect, don’t all those preservatives in junk food also cause cancer? Or dementia? Or something?! Of course the heart disease will probably kill you first, so maybe it won’t matter.

    No doubt young children in Japan are going to give their poor mothers an even harder time about eating their vegetables. “Mom, you’re trying to kill me!”.

    Like

    • amblerangel says:

      Lisa,I’m “pounding”my fist on the table, my sides about to “fizzure” from laughing. Don’t get me going on the puns…Honestly, why everyone is so worried about the vegetables is beyond me.

      Like

  3. I love your sense of humor!
    Now, I’ll weigh in… The muffin top sounds more dangerous. The offspring have 2 arms, legs, etc. Since there is no danger of them growing new limbs at this point, merely of glowing in the dark… the muffin top takes the cake. I myself suffer from Motherhood induced muffintoppery. Besides, who likes Spinach anyway? As my sister says: Green is what Food eats!

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  4. The Nose says:

    The Ouiser thought process at work- collect the data, weigh the facts, track the evidence-based conclusions, integrate into Real-Life/Real-Time action plan. All the while, not forgetting to include effects on muffin top/chin hair/offspring shoe size.

    My educated guess is the US diet of processed and fast foods much more dangerous- as evidenced by the fact that today’s (U.S.) ill fed and underactive youngsters are projected to have a shorter life span than their parents. I remember when we first started seeing Type 2 diabetes (formerly known as ADULT ONSET- emphasis mine) in kids and how blown away and bewildered the medical community was.

    At least Japan seems honest about the exposure. One trip through the produce aisle at the supermarket makes me wonder how honest all the foreign countries are from which we get most of our produce. Or what about my own back yard– would you like some mint with your tea from my back yard? I have never actually witnessed the dogs or the kids peeing on it.

    Don’t even get me started on counterfeit pharmaceuticals.

    My Mantra? “Keep It Moving” (Inside and Out). Active lifestyle supplemented with high fiber diet. Prevents all that s–t from sticking around long enough to cause a problem!!
    Have fun and stop worrying!!!!

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  5. Lisa says:

    We have to face facts, life causes cancer and everyone dies. So maybe our choices should be about quality of life not quantity.

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  6. Dana says:

    There’s no risk of accidentally embalming your muffin top, is there? Now THAT would be a doozy– radioactive muffin top!! 🙂

    Like

    • amblerangel says:

      And a true nuclear disaster. But MOST IMPORTANTLY- Miss I Just Got Fresh Pressed- Congratuatlions!!!! Well deserved- your blog is the best.

      Like

      • Dana says:

        Aw, shucks! Being Freshly Pressed feels like winning the lottery of love! 🙂

        I still say we team up and cover all corners of the edible world, though. You can take the hydrogenated, packaged, and radioactive food groups, and I can take everything else. We’d be a food blog force to be reckoned with! Muffin Top: Meet Saddle Bags! 🙂

        Like

      • amblerangel says:

        “Almond and Atomic Milk- a Cook book For all Tastes” Perfect!

        Like

  7. heidi sanford says:

    Hey Charmie, we are in Oahu, Hawaii and will be here till next Wed, the 30th.
    Where are you in Hawaii?
    Heidi 🙂

    Like

  8. Decisions Decisions…your life is anything but dull! Let us know if you start yo glow!
    Chris

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  9. I would say belly fat is far worst then radiation. Having said that, I wouldn’t want a Nuc. POwer Plant near me knowing what can happen when everything fails. Addtionally, you can’t entirely trust power (or any) big companies nowdays, that are only concerned about image and profits rather then safety and contamination of the land and people around them.

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  10. Phhhew -difficult questions…but love the post 🙂

    or if we exercise more we can eat more!

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  11. I say radiation is safer than body fat, way safer! The Japenese will live forever.

    I’ll be curious to hear how things are when you get back. (No decision on our end yet.)

    How sad that you’ve had to spend so much time at the beach! I guess somebody has to suffer——————–

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  12. Aw that tiny little fish. Looks like a goldfish, not much meat huh? Spinach? BLEH, only Popeye eats it and you wanna look like him? I don’t think so.

    I never know what to believe any more about what foods are bads or good for you. One day we’re told one thing is bad, and not good for you, and then, you’re told the exact opposite.

    I wish I could just live on a diet of Pizza. That’s it, nothing else…sigh (oh and beer) but sadly, one cannot do that, unless one wants to resemble the Goodyear blimp…sigh

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  13. kasuross says:

    OH, come on! Fat belly? I haven’t seen you but I am convinced you can’t be ‘fat’ :).
    I think that you overreact with athis ‘food thing’. Don’t take me wrong, but why can’t you just half&half? You wouldn’t have a fat bely and there will not be much radiation too xd.
    Joke.

    Take care :*

    Like

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