Another day spent in Hawaii, jumping from one hazardous activity to the next entertaining the urchins, the ultimate goal being to “ride em hard and put em away wet.” Unfortunately, Spouse and I are the only two who suffer during these daily doses of extreme activity, he limping with sore hamstrings and I handicapped from a severe case of mental anguish. On this day, fishing populated the agenda.
Following our usual pattern of overly planned exuberance, we had the marine encounter outlined and mapped, then the captain of the enterprise unexpectedly, and I think maliciously protecting his spot, baled, leaving us without access to the secret fishing hole. No matter, the first mate, Luscious Lawyer, the sister-in-law destined to dazzle the courtroom with intellect, wit and killing looks, stepped in with a guaranteed second best. It took two cars to get us and our gear to the hallowed ground. Two hours later, Spouse hauled in the first big catch of the day:
Knowing that radiation is dousing the coast of California according to certain media, I was certain this fish needed to be checked.
“Spouse- don’t touch that fish with your bare hands until I check it with my portable Geiger counter.”
Really, one can’t be too careful. If this fish were to be dinner, and clearly feeding 6 would be no problem if I concentrated hard on the blessing, it couldn’t be of the radioactive variety. Recklessly serving the family a glowing fish which emitted cesium or iodine would most certainly top a rapidly growing list of transgressions the Offspring are keeping for future therapy sessions. .001 microsieverts- well within the limits of edible given we get at least .29 per year from all of our food. If we were to eat 30 of him per day, for 10 years, we’d still not have an increased risk of thyroid cancer. Humm- better throw him back anyway. Can’t be too careful now a days.
This of course gets me thinking of the tainted spinach and milk in Japan. The good news is that I can use radiation as the excuse for removing them permanently from the Clampitt menu. In fact, I’m resurrecting old habits when all shopping was done in the center of the store- where the packaged, fully hydrogenated, and saturated fat filled items are located. No more fresh, hard to cook and even harder to flavor items. Our vegetable sides will now be potatoes – as in potato chips.
Now that I think about it, these damn fresh vegetables and fruits have probably done the Clampitts more harm than good anyway. The Tasmanian Bloodhound, to whom I worship and want to be just like, really prefers organic produce. She tipped me off to the fact that radiated fruits and vegetables should be chosen similarly to organics- choose the ones with skin- oranges, melons etc. The pesticides- and radioactive materials- settle on the leaves and outer coverings of the produce. At least in the beginning. This is cause for much more concern to me than radiation- the last time I washed a vegetable was after the strawberry E.Coli scare of ’09. In theory, the Clampitts have ingested enough pesticides to mimic the embalming process.
Of course mixing all of this new-found information together produces a disaster stew promising an abbreviated life. Eating only packaged and shrink wrapped products will invite the pesky belly fat that will increasingly cling to my already expanding center portion. The “experts” are countering the histrionic media with claims it would take eating two pounds of radiated spinach every day for a year to hit levels worth measuring. No worries there. Who eats spinach? Really? Further, drinking the tainted milk for a year contains as much radiation as having a CT scan. Now I’m worried about the number of Xrays Offspring #1 has had. (It might still be cost-effective for us to go ahead and buy one for the living room.) Between the Xrays, the pesticides, and the increased body fat he’ll ingest as a result of the new diet, he’ll be a medical disaster by the age of 89. I, on the other hand, at my advanced age of 46, perimenopausal, with a BMI creeping ever closer to above the limit, am now at risk of heart disease- the number one killer of women in the US. There are real percentages attached to that.
In 2006, 423,709 women in the US died from Heart Disease, 269,819 from all forms of Cancer combined. Of those Cancer deaths, 40,821 were from Breast Cancer and 69,385 from Lung. (American Heart Association)
Which is worse, radiation or belly fat?
Doesn’t it always go back to those dreaded words, “Diet and exercise.” Damn it.
But it’s so much easier to push away from the radiated spinach than the table.