The Bills arrived. My stomach is the size of a cherry pit. The only readable portion is the amount due. Astounding to think one would rejoice in being able to decipher the amount of a bill. Maybe there is other good news- the water bill shows an animated water droplet on the envelope so now I know what I’m paying. How to pay is the next question. This is my entertainment of the day.

These moving challenges are best treated like a game. Only members of Mensa, individuals with superior analytical ability, and boots built for a bureaucratic bog have any chance of winning such a high stakes game. Losing means – well- probably nothing serious. Let me explain the rules. There can be no use of checks or credit cards. One must be able to conduct all business while impersonating spouse since married women with no income are not allowed to perform banking functions. Finally, the winner must compete the payment of two bills in under one hour.

I debate how to play the game.

Option #1: Pay bill at AMPM- yes- the convenience store. Simply hand the bill over to the clerk with the money- bill paid. Sounds like an easy and fast solution. However, I need cash to pay the clerk which involves a 45 drive across town to the only ATM machine that takes my card and speaks English.

Option #2: On Line Bill Pay: The preferred method when time earns extra points. This is Level 10 of the game however; it involves translation of the bill. This bill has a unique twist- Chinese characters. The Chinese characters have to be translated to English then exchanged for numbers. All the Chinese characters look the same to me. I’m kicked out of Level 10 with lightening speed.

Option #3: Go to the bank. This would actually involve several trips to the bank. One trip to compete the forms for automatic withdrawal. These forms require spousal signature. Apparently I do, in fact, have to physically leave and get an authentic spousal signature. From there, return to the bank and TURN THE FORMS IN TO THE CLERK. The bills will be late by the time this gets done. Too many lost points in this scenario although in future episodes I could score a victory.

Option #4: Ask our driver to do the whole thing. Which he does. Problem solved. I win.